Police knock on your door in the middle of the night. They say your child was involved in a terrible and fatal accident. In a shocking moment, the glimmering future of your recent high school graduate is gone.
That’s what the Gordon family was left to deal with July 29, 2003. Curt and Valarie’s son Ryan had died in a boating accident weeks after graduating from Foothill High School. The all-around athlete was a forward on the varsity soccer team, but also was on both the Ballistic United Soccer Club and Del Prado Stingrays Swim teams. He planned to continue playing soccer with some of his Falcon teammates at Santa Barbara Community College.
So how does a family cope with the shocking absence of a son? With the help of close friends, the Gordon family took action.
Soccer scholars
Soccer was an integral part of Ryan’s life, as he played for BUSC for 12 years and all of his four years at Foothill. It was probably in this realm that many knew him.“He had more friends than any kid I’ve ever seen,” Curt Gordon said. “He touched more people’s lives than most people I know.”
His claim to Foothill soccer fame, Curt said, was his senior year when he scored the only goal against hometown rivals Amador Valley to knock them out of NCS.
Foothill head soccer coach Chuck Lemoine, BUSC coach Bob Moss and Foothill Principal Kevin Johnson came to the Gordons and proposed the idea of a scholarship in Ryan’s name. Thus, the Ryan Gordon Memorial Scholarship was created.
The $1,000 award benefits a senior on either the Foothill boys or girls soccer team who intends to play soccer in college. The Gordons scope out applicants over the soccer season, with the winner announced at the annual Foothill sports awards night.
There have been five recipients in the past three years–three receiving a $750 award in the first year. Past scholarship winners are playing at Oregon State, Harvard, USC and the University of Oregon.
In order to make the scholarship support itself, the group planned to raise $25,000. They held car washes and manned booths at community events, but then came the idea for an alumni soccer game.
Alumni games
More than 120 alumni, several of whom played with Ryan, came to the Foothill soccer fields Jan. 16, 2004 for the first-ever Ryan Gordon Foothill-Amador Alumni Game. Players all the way back to the ’70s came to battle cross-town rivals once again. The gate receipts, players’ fees and other contributions brought in $9,700–for a grand total of $27,700 towards the memorial scholarship.With the scholarship funded and popularity for the game in full force, the event continues today, raising money for both schools’ soccer programs. In fact, Curt said that when Ryan was on the junior varsity team, they wore hand-me-down uniforms. Proceeds from the alumni games have funded new uniforms for players. More than 220 alumni have participated in the games, which has raised about $16,000 in three years.
“Players like the reunion aspect,” Curt said, adding that with more young and competitive alumni playing, fewer older alum are coming out. “We have kids coming from around the country. And the games are very professional. We have the scoreboard going and an announcer and we go back and forth between [playing at] schools.”
Looking toward the future of the games, Curt said they’ll definitely continue as long as there’s interest. This year’s game was held Dec. 30, a time they thought alumni would be home on vacation. Yet, many were vacationing elsewhere, so finding the perfect date still remains a challenge. They are also considering adding a game for the “seasoned” alumni, who have been few and far between as the competition intensifies.
Both the scholarship and the alumni game keep the Gordons busy most months of the year and they’re glad to be a part of it.
“Every parent’s concern is that their child won’t be forgotten,” Valarie said. “[The games are] a tribute to Ryan and that’s really special. And it’s for a good cause; I love that. When we get together with those friends, it’s that they remember Ryan and that makes me feel like he won’t be forgotten. It’s one of the joys of our lives.”
Ryan’s bench
While soccer and other sports were a passion, Ryan also loved Pleasanton. That’s why the Gordon family was approached family friends, the Testas, who thought he should be remembered through an art piece at a local park.“He was very much a part of the community and had a real love for this area,” Valarie said. “People came up to us and said they wanted to remember Ryan in this way. It’s important to acknowledge that he was here, but also that he’s left some large footprints in Pleasanton.”
A colorful mosaic bench was designed by Dmitry Grudsky, an Oakland artist originally from Moscow, and installed at Val Vista Community Park. The curving bench features hand-cut and laid mosaic tiles depicting some of Ryan’s favorite things: soccer, bike riding, Dr. Pepper, rollerblades and more. The wavy backrest even mirrors another favorite of Ryan’s, the Pleasanton Ridge off in the distance.
About 300 people came to the dedication of Ryan’s bench, which was completed about a year ago. Though it took more than two years for the idea to come to fruition, the family is very grateful to have a spot to go to remember their son and the things he loved. The Gordons visit the colorful memorial often, and it even serves as the turn-around point for Valarie’s bike route.
Almost four years later
While these various tributes to Ryan keep the family busy, they have also helped them cope with their loss.Curt didn’t find much solace through bereavement groups. Instead, you can often find him watching scholarship applicants at games or at practices, and doing much of the work organizing the alumni games. Being involved in local sports was natural for him, as he had coached many of Ryan’s teams over the years. He also turned to marathon biking–clocking over 19,000 miles since 2004.
Valarie, on the other hand, felt safe to express her grief through bereavement groups. She first started with a group at Hope Hospice and then was introduced to the group at St. Elizabeth Seton Church. It was there she became a bereavement minister and helped many others deal with the loss of a loved one.
“At the time I lost Ryan, I didn’t think anyone else knew what I was feeling,” she said. “I found that we all deal with grief in different ways. [Curt] needed to go out and do all these activities. The tributes he’s helped with, those have helped him deal. For me [the bereavement groups] gave me my outlet.”
Ryan’s sister Alicia, now 19, was only 15 when he died. At that time, she had only known a brother who teased her mercilessly; they hadn’t bonded as adults, Valarie said. During the tough times, she focused on being a “model child.”
Getting good grades paid off and she now attends UC Santa Barbara, where Ryan had dreamed of attending and would probably have been graduating from this year. There, she’s enrolled in outdoor and intramural soccer and frequently plays with people from Foothill. And though she doesn’t have Ryan to guide her around the campus, his Foothill friends have stepped in as big brothers.
“I had a hard time starting my second year at Foothill after we lost Ryan, but we came together as a family to move forward,” Alicia said. “We’re a very close family and it was hard to leave for college last September.”
Alicia, who returned to Santa Barbara last Sunday, said she sees her parents frequently when they come down to watch her soccer games and when she comes home for long weekends. With 14 at the school from her 2006 graduating class at Foothill, it’s not hard to catch a ride to Pleasanton.
The Gordons may have lost a son, but it is his friends that have helped fill in the gap. Many of his friends frequently call or stop by. The Gordons recently had about 15 of his friends over for dinner around the holidays.
“The kids have been a huge part of the support,” Valarie said. “I hear from his friends fairly often. They’ll call and say, ‘I just had a beer and thought of him and wish he was here with me.’ Those rites of passage are so important and they still come back to me and include me in them. They even call on Mother’s Day. It makes me feel warm and fuzzy that people remember him.”
One friend, Kevin Lauricella, has stayed especially close. With several of Ryan’s school expenses already paid for, Curt and Valarie decided to help Lauricella by funding his first year at Santa Barbara City College. There, he studied business management, which now serves him as a mortgage broker in Portland. He still keeps in touch with the family, most recently spending some time with them at Thanksgiving.
“They’re a very close family; a strong family that did everything together,” he said. “I went on many trips with them to their cabin and Curt was always involved with Ryan.”
Though Ryan was a great athlete, many remember him as the guy you always wanted to be around.
“Ryan was one of those people who always made you laugh,” Lauricella said. “Wherever you he went, everybody would always end up having a good time. You really can’t say enough about him.”
While he had a great sense of humor, his mother remembers him as a very kind and loving kid.
“He would listen and reach out and hug you,” she said. “I remember even when he was 18 and getting in trouble and sitting on my lap. He was a handful, but he was hard to be mad at.”
For the Gordon family and his close friends, remembering Ryan is just as much about the future as it is the past.
“It’s really easy to long for his touch, voice and smile,” Valarie said. “I also realized that today is what he lived for. That’s what we have to live for and that’s what we embrace.”
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