It’s a few minutes past 7 p.m. on a Tuesday evening at the Pleasanton Hotel lounge, and people are streaming into the small bar space.
“I guess we should get up and mingle,” said one woman to her two female friends as she looks around the room for someone to approach. “That’s what we’re here for after all.” The women join the crowd and soon blend into the group of men and women going through the typical get-to-know-you-routine of asking, “So what do you do?” and “Where do you go for fun?”
Normally, the lounge wouldn’t be so busy on a Tuesday night, but this night the Society of Single Professionals, a nonprofit organization that hosts single events across the Bay Area, is hosting a “singles mixer.” The event is open to any professional adult willing to pay $10 at the door, although the crowd is mostly middle-aged or older. Many Pleasanton residents, as well as singles who traveled from as far away as Benicia, were at the event.
“I came because I want to try to meet new people and gain more confidence with dating,” said
Marla, a Pleasanton resident at the mixer who did not want to give her last name. She has been divorced for two years and was separated from her husband 18 months before that.
In fact, there are many singles like Marla in Pleasanton. Although the town may be known as a community focused on family, as families change, usually through divorce, many adults find themselves newly-single and living in Pleasanton.
“One reason the singles ministry was started at the church was because there are so many singles in the area,” said John Argo, pastor for singles and men at Valley Bible Church. Through the church, Argo organizes many singles events that can range from going out to dinner to trips to Yosemite. The group tends to be older singles who have been previously married, and most have children, Argo said.
Along with older divorcees, there is also a large group of singles in Pleasanton who are in their late 20s and early 30s and have never been married, said Bill Corbin, the pastor for the Next Generation, a group for young adults through Valley Community Church.
“It’s a real mix,” Corbin said. “We get a lot of professional, young adults who are single post college and haven’t gotten married yet, or some who may find themselves single again…There’s a significant number of singles in the Valley, and there’s a significant number of people moving into the Valley who are going to be single.”
Whether never married or divorced, singles in all age groups face similar problems when trying to date in Pleasanton. The common complaint is that there’s nowhere to go to meet people.
“It’s a very family-oriented town, so it’s hard to meet people, especially if you’re over 40,” Marla said.
Single Tyler Moxley, 23, echoed these same thoughts, except he saw it as a problem for the younger generation.
“It’s definitely not a town for young people,” Moxley said.
When looking for ways to meet friends, and potential dates, Moxley said he usually mingles through activities at his church, Valley Bible, and frequently hangs out with his friends at the Hopyard Grill. But, he added, the town shuts down early, so people who want to stay out late often head to other cities such as San Jose, Walnut Creek and San Francisco, where the nightlife options are more abundant. That’s not to say Pleasanton doesn’t have a few night spots. Taqueria El Balazo, the Hilton Hotel and Aura Nightclub all stay open late, offering singles of any age a place to meet others.
Of course, singles don’t have to go out at night to find members of the opposite sex and, for singles with children, it might not even be a viable option. That’s why many people said they looked for potential dates through their already established social circles.
“I usually date people I meet through friends and work,” said Steve Blaney, 42, who has been separated from his wife for two years. While Blaney was content with this, Corbin said many singles find the prospect of dating someone from work “scary.”
“If it doesn’t work out, it can be awkward,” Corbin said.
Becky Carter, a 20-year Pleasanton resident who divorced from her husband in 1994, said she recently went on a date with one of her former neighbors. They stayed connected through their children’s shared activities, and when Carter needed someone to join her on her company’s rafting trip, she gave her friend a call. Having so much fun together, they decided to go out again on another rafting trip, this time with the just the two of them.
Internet dating is also a possibility for singles in Pleasanton. A quick search on popular dating site Match.com showed nearly 100 singles, both men and women, in the Pleasanton area alone and even more when expanded to the Tri-Valley. Even Craig’s List has personal ads for the Dublin/Pleasanton/Livermore area, and a new singles dating Web site, www.PleasantonSingles.com has also sprouted up. The company that runs PleasantonSingles.com also has the same site set up for many cities around the Bay Area all the way through Southern California.
There are also social groups that are specifically focused on singles, such as the already mentioned singles ministry at Valley Bible. Crossroads Fellowship in Livermore has a very large singles network and provides groups for singles of any age, as does Cornerstone Fellowship. Outside of the church, Bota Baggers Ski Club is a singles group based in the Tri-Valley that, despite the name, offers singles activities all year round.
But, the best way for singles to meet someone is to just take part in activities they’re interested in, said Blaine Carman, a marriage counselor from Sunol who has held singles workshops in Pleasanton.
“There’s the whole bar scene, but I’m not so much an advocate for that as for meeting singles in normal situations,” Carman said. “Do what you love and you’ll meet people who like to do what you like.”
Simply getting out of the house can be a challenge in and of itself. As most Pleasanton singles are working adults, and some with children to care for, it can be hard to find the energy at the end of the day.
“They work all day, they’re dead tired when they come home, so it’s hard to find that connection in the community,” Argo said.
Staying busy with work means some singles don’t even have a moment to think about dating.
“I stay busy during the day,” Moxley said. “I usually don’t leave work until 7 p.m., so there’s not a whole lot of time to ponder why I’m not dating.”
One of the biggest problems singles in Pleasanton face may not necessarily be meeting people or finding time, so much as feeling confident in their singleness.
“In our culture, there’s a lot of pressure that, if you’re 28 or 30 and single, that there’s something not quite right with you. Part of what we’re trying to do in our more overtly religious church activities is convey a sense that you don’t have to feel that pressure. It’s perfectly okay to be 28 and single,” Corbin said.
Argo pointed out that often times in society we view being single as problem that needs to be fixed by being coupled, but that’s not the case. In fact, he said there are many advantages to being single.
“You have freedom of scheduling, the majority of singles are more financially sound, you have time to work with other people, and I find many singles have a greater sense of adventure,” Argo said.
While it is natural to want companionship, there’s nothing wrong with being single and taking time to explore one’s own passions without a partner.
“For any singles out there, they should be encouraged to stand pat where they are, take full advantage of being single and enjoy it,” Argo said.
