Any time somebody walks more than 300 feet is essentially an act of complete disregard for American values. There are of course, a few exceptions to this rule, as we shall now discuss:
- Hunting in the backwoods: Don't get me wrong, ideally, a true American will simply sit in the bed of a truck with a rifle while our buddy drives through the woods. However sometimes the terrain gets a little rough and we are forced to put our feet on the ground as we go searchin for game. Usually we won't stray too far from the vehicle cuz that's where we keep the cooler full of beer, but sometimes we get caught up in the hunt and venture past that 300 foot limit.
- Attending a Football game or NASCAR race: Obviously parking lots at stadiums & racetracks are pretty big, and the distance from your truck to your seat is probably further than 300 feet. Note that this distance is only justified if you have spent at least 3 hours tailgating and have consumed at least 2000 calories of beer and red meat prior to beginning your walk.
Combat Training: Recommended edcuation curriculum for America's youth; at some point in all of our lives we should be taught how to defend our great nation. There may come times when we need to chase down illegal immigrants or terrorists, in which case it is acceptable to surpass the 300 foot limit.
- Marching in a GOP Parade: I know what you're thinking..."Buford, who the hell marches in a GOP parade? We all ride down the street in Fire Trucks, Limos, Hot Rods, Ford F-350s, and Hummers"...Good point. My mistake. I am sorry to have made such a glaring unpatriotic oversight. I will now accept my punishment of being forced to attend a yoga class in Mill Valley, CA. That will slap some American sense into me!