Okay, here’s what happened next...... ]
The story of Jamal Wilkes Bhoothi began with his earliest remembered experience running delightfully through the streets of Mumpie with his older brother S’lime, they and the other street children leading various slum pederasts on a merry goose chase. He was nearly caught this time, however. Fortunately, Mum showed up just in time and the pederast just stood there wiggling his fingers in frustration. She was a loving Mum and refused to sell the boys to him -- nor would she even lease. Who has such a loving Mum these days??
S’lime had never gotten over losing their father who had gone off to seek fame and fortune on the next block. (The blocks were big in Mumpie, and often impassable during the monsoon season -- and impossible during the mongoose season.) S’lime took out the emptiness at his very soul by perpetrating endless pranks upon his hapless brother, poor Jamal.
“Yes, yes,” interrupted the Inspector. “But how did you know Sean Penn was the answer to the question about who was the first movie star to get stuck doing on-location scenes in a Mumpie slum??”
“Well, it was like this,” explained Jamal. “For his latest movie ‘Milk,’ about international dairy corruption, Sean Penn was in our Mumpie slum filming a scene where he has to secretly milk a sacred Indian cow, and without even a glove.”
Jamal was determined to get the autograph of his idol Sean Penn. On their way to the on-location shoot, his brother S’lime shared some delicious chocolate with Jamal. However, this was another prank and the stuff was actually Ex-lax. “Quick! Quick! Over here!” beckoned S’lime holding open the door of an outhouse built over the edge of the vast crater on the city outskirts of Mumpie, blown out of the ground so that the city wouldn’t have to worry about a latrine for the poor for at least a thousand years. Jamal ran up and into the outhouse. S’lime laughed uproariously. The floor of that particular outhouse had fallen out long ago. This was one of his favorite pranks.
As he fell, Jamal quickly began wangling his head in a figure-8, and the wind resistance from his enormous ears slowed him down. His ears were so big that his Mum would tell her friends she thought for sure he was the reincarnation of the elephant-head god, or at least his ears were reincarnated.
He landed in the filthy mess, and there was Sean Penn on his cell phone chewing out his agent for not arranging a stand-in stunt double. The cow was on her cell phone, too, mooing indignantly to her pimp bull. After they filmed the scene, the cow gave Jamal a lift out of the crater.
“For 5 million Rupees, Jamal, mere telephone operator, or whatever your occupation is, who is the only actor in all the world who has ever milked a cow in a latrine??” The host of ‘So, You Have the Gall to Want To Be A Milanaire’ smugly winked at the studio audience. But Jamal answered correctly.
The police inspector growled, “What kind of fool do you take me for, Jamal, you slumdog?? What do you think I was in my previous life -- an ameba?? That is quite unbelievable. Vinnie, switch from AC to DC and give a solar jolt from our new solar panels. This will save power and, perhaps, allow us to afford an air conditioner for the station.”
“No, wait!” cried Jamal. He then continued his life story...
[ That’s enough for tonight, boys and girls -- I'll read more tomorrow night. You’re got to go to sleep now -- you’ve got another BIG day ahead of you tomorrow working for the Man. ]
by DoUgLaS kEnDaLl
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Email comments to--- doug@DougKen.com
:-) <-- Warning to the humor sensitive