LONDON BRIDGE - Purchased by PLEASANTON, California -- wealthiest middle-size town that will ever exist throughout all human history. Mayor Ladyhawk was all smiles cutting the ribbon to the Bridge, which replaces the old silver bridge on Bernal across the Arroyo Macho. (The mayor’s ever-exuberant pet Rocky the Flying Hawk flew off downtown with the ribbon, to feather its nest on top of the Main Street arch du affluentz.
LOCH NESS MONSTER - Another purchase by PLEASANTON, California. The monster deposited into the Shadow Cliffs lake (and don’t worry, PETA members, they did indeed let Nessy first float around for the required minimum of 20 minutes in her big Ziploc bag before introducing her to her new home). Mayor Hochstetter gleefully crowed how welcomed now friends will be from Pleasanton’s Scottish sister city Lindablairgrrrowley (heavy Scottish trill on all the R’s, haggis breath!). Shadow Cliff officials want to re-assure the public that riding Nessy will be just as safe as the water slides, and the same price -- actually, half-price during her feeding time, just to allay parental fears.
HADRIAN'S WALL - Purchased by Pleasanton’s long-suffering neighbor Livermore and installed between the two towns to finally eliminate any further cross pollination and let Livermore continue with the delusion that the name of the valley in which both towns are situated is the ‘Livermore Valley’ and not its true name: ‘Amador Pleasanton Valley.’
ENGLISH CHANNEL - Purchased by Oprah and installed between her fabulous Montecito estate and Santa Barbara next door, so she can now get to her favorite California Pizza Kitchen on State Street aboard her relaxing new Cleopatra’s Barge (recently acquired from the Museum of Cairo in exchange for a pyramid that Oprah had won from Vincente Fox at a ‘Vegas black jack table -- big stakes that night!)
ENGLISH BANGERS - secret recipe for the infamously gas-producing English sausage sold to Odwalla of Half Ass Bay, California, who claim they can solve the gas problem by substituting all natural ingredients and replacing the meat with knitted wheat grass (-- ew, yuck!)
ENGLISH WARM BEER - there were no buyers anywhere in the world. Warm beer subsequently died a welcomed death, long awaited by international tourists to Britain for decades.
THE THAMES - Sold to Bill Gates, who put together a crack task force comprised of SnoopDog, Jay-Z, 50 Cent, and token white boy Eminem to debug the spelling, and subsequently issued a service pack re-spelled “Duh Temz”.
by DoUgLaS kEnDaLl