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Another workshop planned on curbside recycling program 10/12/09

Original post made by Douglas Kendall, Downtown, on Oct 12, 2009

Town residents continue to struggle with the daily decision process of which garbage can* to use for which item.

The problem has become so severe that an emergency WORKSHOP will be held to resolve these difficulties. Douglas Kendall, noted for his trash, was asked to prepare the following syllabus:

Okay, here is what my house is equipped with:
A) A tiny cart for TRASH,
B) Great big RECYCLABLES cart (it used to be called a ‘dumpster’ -- however, this term was found to be offensive to gourmet minded homeless)
C) Large LAWN trimmings cart (my gardening guy calls it ‘cesta de basura’. He has to be sooo fancy...)
D) My neighbor’s carts. (My neighbor isn’t as trashy as me.)

Here is a list of how to sort popular refuse:

batteries - goes to TRASH
recyclable batteries - goes to RECYCLABLES
car batteries - goes to LAWN cart if the car was parked on the front yard; if not, goes into neighbor’s cart, in the middle of the night

- paper towel and napkins - to RECYCLABLES
used paper towel and napkins - to TRASH
paper towel and napkins used out back for BBQ - to LAWN cart

banana peals - to TRASH (or, the kitchen garbage disposal if the wife isn’t around)
chicken bones - to TRASH (or, the kitchen garbage disposal if the wife isn’t around)
T-bones - to TRASH (or, the kitchen garbage disposal if the wife isn’t around)
T-bones if chewed some by pet dog - to LAWN cart
cat (neighbor’s) - to LAWN cart (leave a heavy rock on top)
cat litter - to TRASH
cat litter if box on back porch - to LAWN

skanky daughter - to TRASH
skanky daughter - to RECYCLABLES (if there is hope)
skanky daughter’s crack-dealing boyfriend - distribute his dismembered body parts evenly between TRASH, RECYCLABLES, and LAWN, in order to throw off the cops.

old copies of Pleasanton Weekly - to RECYCLABLES
old copies of Pleasanton Weekly containing PRATTLE & TATTLE - to TRASH

* The new politically correct, environmentally friendly, climatically consistent term is now: ‘Cart’ As an added bonus, the word ‘cart’ is very pleasing to metrosexuals, and makes them smile and wriggle. It is also feng shui.

{ Why does he keep mentioning metrosexuals?? I thing he’s being deroga..something.. derogatardy.. dragaturkey.. He’s being mean! I’m going to cut off my free subscription to the ‘Weekly right now! }

by DoUgLaS kEnDaLl
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