But I’m here to say that’s not true. Raley’s has no more flies than Lucky’s or Safeway’s.
And the only reason Raley’s has any flies at all is because I saw the produce guy from Safeway’s and the produce guy from Lucky’s both there at Raley’s at the same time, looking very suspicious. And guess what they did when they thought no one was looking? (But I, Douglas Kendall, was there! I put fruit on top of my hat, crouched down, and pretended to be a Cinco de Mayo display.)
Well sir, those two produce guys opened their big fruit-plucking fists and out flew a whole squadron of flies. Regular house flies, horse flies, dragon flies, shoe flies, boot flies, pump flies, one with stiletto heels, and even a couple of KC130 Flying Fortress flies came lumbering down their arms and slowly took off, and began circling Raley’s produce section, dive bombing all those poor innocent Pleasantopia minivan mommas.
Right then, one of those two sneaky produce guys from Lucky’s and Safeway’s hollered “THE FLIES ARE CARRYING SWINE FLU!!”
Everybody screamed and panicked and were jumping and crawling all over the fruit displays trying to get out of the store, all the while those two Lucky’s and Safeway’s guys were snickering and sticking out there legs to trip poor innocent Raley’s customers running past. Then, they snuck out, still snickering all the way like a pair of middle-schoolers on ecstasy.
Well, pretty soon, Raley’s was empty except for me still hiding underneath the hat with the fruit -- though someone had stepped on it squishing my fruit -- and except for the managers all racing around spraying RAID everywhere in Produce until every last fly was dead. I snuck out while they were bent over putting all the stampeded fruit back on display.
And I got it all on video.
Google it on YouTube -- it's all there.
by DoUgLaS kEnDaLl
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