PLEASANTOPIA, wealthiest middle-size town in the world, is located on the far left coast of Americopia, wealthiest middle-size superpower in the world, within the Great State of mind Californicopia, wealthiest middle-size province of the world. They all sit high atop the planet Earth, wealthiest middle-size planet of the Galaxy, which is why Mr. Speak N. Bomba, from the planet Vulcan, came to visit.*
Mr. Speak came to Warsingtown, the capital of Earth in the year 2444. It was easy – he had dual citizenship, for his mother was an African-Earthling. Yes, Mr. Speak N. Bomba was half-vulcan and half-black -- he was a terrific dancer, but generally found it illogical to do so.
There was a huge problem! The influence of his human side was hidden but strong -- he refused to stop and ask directions, took a wrong turn into the Albuquerque black hole, and popped out in 2008. He found Americopia in the midst of a Presidentical election and immediately proclaimed he, being Vulcan (his human half was always putting on airs that he was full Vulcan), should be President.
Well, he went on the Foxy Faux Network, because they were the most logical network, and was instantly surrounded by a bevy of beautiful, buxom, bouncing, blue-eyed blonds. “Welcome to our Foxy Network!” They each wriggled a few moments. “We are the directors, interviewers, anchor-babes, camera-babes, script writers, producers, and custodians! Here at the Faux News, you’ll only encounter beautiful blonds, for your interviewing pleasure!”
They all began rubbing up against him on all sides, even the top of his head and the soles of his feet.
“Do not even attempt your mischievous machinations on me!” cried Mr. Speak. “I know – for a fact – that you can not be beautiful blonds – because you are actually Republicans - in disguise. Blue bloods. Every last one of you! Look at your roots!”
The girls fled to a nearby studio mirror, all leaning forward and desperately parting their hair -- all gasping in horrified shock to discover nothing but blue roots.
Meanwhile, Mr. Speak had stepped in front of the camera, charmed Americopia with his wit and prose, and soon handily defeated Jowls McCanine the underdog, Republican candidate and rumored conservative.
Stay tuned for Mr. Speak’s further adventures when he goes head to head with the Warsingtown military-industrial-entertainment complex, goes head to head with various nouveau-nuclear world leaders, and re-decorates the White House -- yes, Mr. Speak is metrosexual. But being half-Vulcan, he is a celibate metrosexual (that just means he got someone else to move the furniture and put up the wallpaper).
Already various nefarious conservatives are plotting Mr. Speak’s downfall. And everyone in Warsingtown be trying to fix him up with someone to marry – the conservatives, a woman – the liberals, well, the study groups are still out on the selection of target gender and species.
* Mr. Speak had chosen for the theme of his doctoral dissertation to answer the biggest nagging question in the Galaxy: How can humans be so illogical, emotional, and warlike, and still be so shockingly wealthy? And his corollary assignment, for PhD bonus points: How can Vulcan get rich, too? Should we be more or less logical?? Is it logical to even ask this?!
by DoUgLaS kEnDaLl
:-) <-- warning sign to the humor impaired