Out of the Darkness: Survivor says removing stigma, igniting discussion are keys to suicide prevention

Editor’s note: Anyone in need of support can contact Crisis Support Services of Alameda County’s 24-hour confidential crisis line at 800-309-2131 or CrisisSupport.org, or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, via text at 800-799-4889, chat or at SuicidePreventionLifeline.org.

Most people look forward to Fridays.

Kathleen “Kathy” Martin dreads them.

“I sit and watch the clock because I know the timeline,” the longtime Pleasanton resident said, referring to the day her daughter, Tricia, died — a Friday, five years ago.

“It doesn’t get any easier,” Kathy said. “I still wait and pray she’ll come home.”

Patricia Martin, known as Tricia to her friends and family, died Sept. 14, 2012, by suicide at the age of 17.

Growing up in Pleasanton, as her mother did, Tricia made many friends at the schools she attended, Hearst Elementary, Pleasanton Middle and Foothill and Village high schools.

A petite girl with a sprinkling of light freckles across her nose and cheeks and bright blue-green eyes, Tricia was “a very loving, kind, fun-spirited individual who liked to play jokes and pranks,” her mother said. “And she was a giving person. Very giving.”

“She loved to travel. She loved cruises,” Kathy recalled. Kathy, Tricia and Tricia’s father, Brian, spent many weeks aboard cruise ships and at Disneyland, one of Tricia’s favorite vacation spots.

“But we saw two Tricias,” Kathy said, looking back on the last years of her daughter’s life, “because she was fighting her own demons.”

Tricia battled the demons of addiction. The turning point was when Tricia’s father was diagnosed with lung cancer in 2008. As her parents were focused on Brian’s illness and treatments and worry over his failing health took center stage in the home, the family dynamic changed; school became less of a priority and Tricia eventually started abusing alcohol and drugs.

“When the demons came out we saw a different Tricia. She had to fight those (demons) off,” Kathy said, recalling that Tricia appeared to be doing well in her battle through counseling and the support of family and friends. “Even through that battle I never stopped loving her and supporting her.

“But I guess the demons won.”

Beauty and battles

Tricia found many things that gave her joy in her 17 years of life — her parents, her friends, her travels and her animals. She loved the color purple, penguins and art, often creating drawings for her mother and friends.

“Unfortunately, she liked social media too,” said Kathy, who worked at the Pleasanton Weekly five years ago when Tricia died. “It’s just very sad. There have been suicides over what people have posted on social media.”

Social media, Kathy believes, is a blessing and a curse. She has used it to reconnect with friends, to find support in times when grief overwhelms her and to reach out to mothers who find themselves living in the same surreal nightmare she is in as a survivor of suicide.

For teens, social media can be fun or dangerous. Kathy said Tricia’s social media use might have been a factor in her decision to die.

“I feel like I wasn’t able to protect my child from it,” she said, adding that she would recommend other parents “try to limit their (children’s) time on the internet. Try to observe exactly what they’re doing. Sit and discuss it more. Be open and honest and let them know they can be open and honest.”

Whether it be the rise of social media and prevalence of cyberbullying, or some other societal shift, reports of “self-inflicted harm” are increasing on a local, state and national level, particularly for teens and young adults.

“It is a disease because it is the demons fighting with you,” Kathy said. “It’s the depression, it’s the stress, it’s everything adding up.”

“More teenage girls are taking their lives. It’s an epidemic,” she added, referring to a report released in August by the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention stating that the suicide rate for girls between 15 and 19 doubled between 2007 and 2015.

The rate of 14.2 per every 100,000 girls in this age range dying by suicide in 2015 was the highest in the last 40 years. Suicide rates grew by 31% for boys 15 to 19 between 2007 and 2015.

According to the most recent data available from the California Department of Public Health, the death rate due to suicide in Alameda County increased 7% between 2011 and 2015, from 8.6 to 9.2 per 100,000 people.

Suicide is the 10th leading cause of death among Americans, according to the CDC. It is the second leading cause of death nationally in people 15-34, behind unintentional injury.

“More than 44,000 people died by suicide in 2015, more than 1.4 million people reported making a suicide attempt in the past year and almost 10 million adults reported thinking about suicide in the past year,” the CDC stated on its website. “Most people who engage in suicidal behavior never seek mental health services.”

Locally, the Pleasanton Police Department works with the school district and a variety of nonprofit organizations such as National Alliance on Mental Health (NAMI), Abode Services, City Serve and Alameda County Behavioral Health to help people in emotional distress.

“When individuals in crisis are brought to the police department’s attention, either by a third party or through a direct request for help, an officer responds, evaluates the circumstances, and makes a determination as to whether or not the officer has the authority to mandate a detention, in which a mental health assessment is completed, or whether they are able to acquire assistance on their own with proper referrals,” Pleasanton police Capt. Craig Eicher said.

Intervention can be key in reducing the number of suicides.

The Alameda County Health Data Profile for Pleasanton shows that between 2012 and last month, there were 2,388 “5150” calls — which refers to a law enforcement code that authorizes involuntary confinement of a person suspected of being a danger to themselves or others. During that timeframe, there were 37 reported suicide cases handled by Pleasanton police.

“The data indicates a large margin between the numbers of individuals where the department has had the opportunity to intervene and get the individuals in crisis to County Mental Health Services and those who actually ended their own life,” Eicher said.

The school district focuses on preventative support and resources for students facing mental health concerns, offering assistance through support staff including school counselors, administrators, psychologists and social workers, according to PUSD spokesman Patrick Gannon.

“It’s important for our students to know that they have people and a community that cares about them,” Gannon said. “We want students and families to know that support is available, and encourage them to reach out for help.”

Survivors

Seven percent of the U.S. population knew someone who died by suicide during the past 12 months, according to the CDC. In other words, they are survivors of suicide.

“I have lost three loved ones and friends to suicide over the years,” Kathy’s friend since childhood, Lori Korch, said. “The effects are far reaching. It does not just affect the family, but also friends, co-workers and neighbors.

“Most of the time they don’t even know how much the person is suffering and are, therefore, unable to help,” she continued. “Once they are gone, those left behind are feeling they should have been there to help. They should have noticed something wasn’t right. They should have done something.”

Kathy said, as a survivor of suicide, people treat her differently.

“There is a stigma when you mention suicide,” Kathy explained. “There are times I just call it a tragic death when people ask me (about Tricia’s death) because there is this stigma, which is what I am trying to erase.”

She said her status is “written across my forehead. You could either say it says ‘SOS — survivor of suicide,’ or it says ‘suicide.'”

“People chose to exit my life,” she continued. “It’s a very difficult situation. A lot of people don’t know what to say.”

Lori said some people “cannot handle what has happened and cut ties with those closest to the loss, those that need all the love and support one can give.”

People affected the most by suicide — the spouses, children and parents of those who take their own lives — often choose not to tell their stories.

“Especially parents,” Kathy said, “because there is that shame, that guilt, that we, as parents, we failed.”

For Kathy, bringing awareness to the reality of suicide is imperative.

“A lot of people in Pleasanton live in a bubble. It needs to be talked about,” she said. “It’s not only nationwide, it’s worldwide. And it’s happening to younger and younger kids.”

Tricia had friends take their own lives, including one in eighth grade. Since Tricia’s death, Kathy has reached out to two other Pleasanton families who have lost children.

“You’d be surprised at the number of people in Pleasanton,” she said.

She supports Mothers With a Purpose, a nonprofit formed by Pleasanton mothers to raise awareness of the “epidemic use of prescription and illicit drugs in our community.” Kathy spoke at a Mothers With a Purpose candlelight vigil in 2015 about loving children unconditionally.

“We’re all fighting underlying battles of something that not everyone knows about,” she remembers telling the vigil attendees. “Tell your children that you love them. That was something I was raised always hearing ‘I love you, love you, love you.’ And that was something I said to Tricia all the time.”

One way Tricia’s family and friends honor her memory and raise money for suicide awareness and prevention is by participating in the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s annual Out of the Darkness Community Walk.

Kathy and 15 to 20 people have been part of the walk for the past four years, and they will participate in this year’s event Oct. 14 in Oakland.

Tricia’s friends — Sammy Yoshikami, Angie Nguyen, Berto Beas, Jose Hernandez, Dani Comito and Matthew Sherman — still keep in contact with Kathy and participate in the walk. Some of their parents walk with them.

“Her friends have been the most supportive group of friends that I could ever ask for,” Kathy said of this cadre of young adults who rallied around Tricia during her life and Kathy after Tricia’s death.

Kathy’s nephew Jacob Long, who is 15 months older than Tricia, has also been a consistent source of strength and support. Also raised in Pleasanton, Jacob walked in the Out of the Darkness Walk once but has since joined the Marines, married another Pleasanton native, Danielle, and moved to Southern California.

Kathy’s friends from Amador Valley High School, who she has reconnected with, Tricia’s grandma Peggy Long, and longtime family friends Lori and Drew Korch from Dublin also walk. Drew designed t-shirts for the group.

“We’re known as Tricia’s Troopers,” Kathy said.

“Tricia was the closest my husband and I had to having our own children,” Korch said. “She filled our lives with many years of joy and we miss her every day. I am so sorry that I will never be able to see her become the woman I know she could have been, to have my husband walk her down the aisle, to play grandma for her children. I feel a tremendous loss that time will never truly heal.”

At a recent Out of the Darkness walk, one of Tricia’s friends gave Kathy a card that said, “We will always do this for her. We need to look at it as a celebration of her life.”

Kathy said, “That’s how I try to go into it, that we’re celebrating her life while we’re trying to raise money for the cause, the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.”

“As long as I can I will support AFSP in any way, shape or form that I can,” she said, adding that, “in today’s political climate, funding could be shut off.”

“I know it won’t bring Tricia back, but you can help me save someone else,” Kathy wrote when seeking donations for the walk. “This is an awful disease and people don’t know where to turn to for help.”

Support system

“It doesn’t get any easier,” Kathy said. “I guess I do feel left behind. Sometimes I think I wish I could have just been with her.”

Sept. 14 was the fifth anniversary of Tricia’s death. Kathy and Lori packed up the car and Tricia’s dog Kimmy and headed off to spend three days in a secluded house on Irish Beach. “We laid flowers in the water while remembering all the special times spent with Tricia over the years,” Kathy said. “I just really didn’t want to be in Pleasanton. I didn’t want to be home.”

Kimmy the dog, who turned 8 in August, provides Kathy a lot of much-needed emotional support — especially after Sparklie, the cat Tricia had since she was 2 years old, died two years ago.

“Kimmy means the world to me because I know how much she meant to Tricia,” she said. “I feel like she’s my last physical connection to Tricia within the home, and I worry about the day something happens to her.”

Tricia’s room has been painted but it remains, for the most part, as it did the last day she was home.

“I guess for the same reason I sit outside on the front porch and hope to see her come around that corner,” Kathy said. “I just want her back.”

“I miss washing her socks, because they never matched. She always wore two different colored socks,” Kathy said, smiling. “I miss hearing someone call me mom or mommy. I miss talking to her.”

“I never got to see her graduate from high school,” Kathy added. “I will never be called a grandmother. I’ll never see her walk down the aisle. There are so many things I’m going to miss out on.

“I never thought I would be having it happen in my life, to my one and only child. It truly is heartbreaking.”

Out of the Darkness Community Walks

The American Foundation for Suicide Prevention’s largest fundraisers, the annual walks are held in hundreds of cities across the nation with more than 250,000 people participating. In addition to raising millions of dollars for suicide prevention programs, the walks bring awareness to the cause and unite thousands of survivors of suicide to build and strengthen support systems.

Bay Area Out of the Darkness Community Walks are scheduled Sept. 23 in San Francisco, Oct. 7 in Santa Rosa, Oct. 14 in Oakland and Oct. 22 in San Jose.

For information or to donate, visit OutofftheDarkness.org.