Wait until you get your Dear John letter's from colleges,letting you know a 4.0 doesn't get you into our state college's...

Thank you Carolyn, for such a well written letter. I hope your intended career has something to do with writing, because I was so impressed with what you wrote, I was hanging on every word. And to have the fortitude to put your name on this, unlike so many people (including myself) are able to do on this forum, that is so refreshing.

Hang in there Carolyn, you will do great. College will probably be a wonderful experience for you.

I'm going through the same thing; it's too bad life is so hard. It really is unfair. I mean, what if I don't get into a four-year college? I might have to do my lower division work at a community college--ewww!!!

You know what kind of people go to community college? Not MY kind of people, that's for sure!

Of course, I could ust enter the work force.

Just kidding! No, getting into an expensive four-year university is the end goal of life, really. Maybe not in crazy, far-out places like Menlo Park or Livermore, but definitely in Palo Alto and Pleasanton!

I don't think this is only in Palo Alto. I see it here in our valley. Kids are going to tutoring starting in 1st grade in order to be 3-4 years ahead in school. And then there is the "requirement" to be in sports, music, and martial arts. Kids don't have any idea how to "play" other than on video games or electronic gadget. Can they be by themselves and "create" - a story, a drawing, a town of blocks. I don't think this is new - it has been going on for years, but the pressure in school has gotten greater (I think), and I wonder how this is affecting our kids.

Thank you, Carolyn, for your insightful essay.

Maybe it's time for us as parents and community to look at why there is so much pressure on our kids. David Elkind's book, "The Hurried Child: Growing Up Too Fast Too Soon" (revised at least three times in the past two decades). Though the last revision was in 2006 and some of the examples are a little dated, it might give a lot of insight into this dilemma.

Fortunately for our son and a lot of his friends, they were middle of their class, moderate achievers, who did not seem to feel the same stresses as the top achievers. No tutoring, no pressure to get straight As or take the SAT more than once. Most ranked in 40-60% of their class. Many started at community colleges or less popular four year universities, wherever they could get accepted and could afford to attend. Now in their early to mid-twenties, they are successfully launched in careers in engineering, law, business and health sciences, including some with advanced degress.

These kids know it's not the end of the world if you don't start your education at Berkeley, Harvard or Stanford. Less stress in high school meant that they didn't get burned out in college either.

Let's step back and look at what we can do help ease the pressure off these kids so they can enjoy life more and develop goals that they are passionate about which will help them be successful, physically and mentally healthy adults!

Phew....that was a lot to 'take in'. I find it hard to digest the depth of your words. School - for me - is way, way in the past. I struggled in certain educational aspects, but those struggles seem to pale in comparison to those you mentioned. There is no question that the daily ‘pressures’ of life have increased in my opinion. This is at all age levels. The ‘race to the top’ seems to be gaining speed, while a balance to one’s life may be lost. Over time, I realized that I was not cut out to be a straight A’s kind of person. I decided to be the best ‘me’…and make a good life for myself, and ultimately for my family. I wanted to be successful at what I did, and wanted to be happy in life. I got a job and worked hard and along the way made decisions that meant I would not become a VP of a corporation…but would be the best person, husband and father I could be. Make a good life for myself and always have BALANCE between work and home. My grades were average, but my life certainly is not. If I was living my life over, I would do it the same: Do the best I could and AVOID comparisons with others. They are who they are, and I am who I am. I found there were more ‘like me’ than I thought. People that just wanted to have a good life, and earn a good wage…work hard and never compare themselves to what others thought we should be. As I age, and look back at my life, the days of school were just a small part of it all. I pray that you Carolyn, get into a college of your choice, but regardless where you go, it will be the ‘other’ life experiences in your life that I think may be the most important when you look back on it in the years to come. Don’t let the stress get to you. Be YOUR best. Keep your head held high and take everything with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Best wishes.

Phew....that was a lot to 'take in'. I find it hard to digest the depth of your words. School - for me - is way, way in the past. I struggled in certain educational aspects, but those struggles seem to pale in comparison to those you mentioned. There is no question that the daily ‘pressures’ of life have increased in my opinion. This is at all age levels. The ‘race to the top’ seems to be gaining speed, while a balance to one’s life may be lost. Over time, I realized that I was not cut out to be a straight A’s kind of person. I decided to be the best ‘me’…and make a good life for myself, and ultimately for my family. I wanted to be successful at what I did, and wanted to be happy in life. I got a job and worked hard and along the way made decisions that meant I would not become a VP of a corporation…but would be the best person, husband and father I could be. Make a good life for myself and always have BALANCE between work and home. My grades were average, but my life certainly is not. If I was living my life over, I would do it the same: Do the best I could and AVOID comparisons with others. They are who they are, and I am who I am. I found there were more ‘like me’ than I thought. People that just wanted to have a good life, and earn a good wage…work hard and never compare themselves to what others thought we should be. As I age, and look back at my life, the days of school were just a small part of it all. I pray that you Carolyn, get into a college of your choice, but regardless where you go, it will be the ‘other’ life experiences in your life that I think may be the most important when you look back on it in the years to come. Don’t let the stress get to you. Be YOUR best. Keep your head held high and take everything with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Best wishes.

Phew....that was a lot to 'take in'. I find it hard to digest the depth of your words. School - for me - is way, way in the past. I struggled in certain educational aspects, but those struggles seem to pale in comparison to those you mentioned. There is no question that the daily ‘pressures’ of life have increased in my opinion. This is at all age levels. The ‘race to the top’ seems to be gaining speed, while a balance to one’s life may be lost. Over time, I realized that I was not cut out to be a straight A’s kind of person. I decided to be the best ‘me’…and make a good life for myself, and ultimately for my family. I wanted to be successful at what I did, and wanted to be happy in life. I got a job and worked hard and along the way made decisions that meant I would not become a VP of a corporation…but would be the best person, husband and father I could be. Make a good life for myself and always have BALANCE between work and home. My grades were average, but my life certainly is not. If I was living my life over, I would do it the same: Do the best I could and AVOID comparisons with others. They are who they are, and I am who I am. I found there were more ‘like me’ than I thought. People that just wanted to have a good life, and earn a good wage…work hard and never compare themselves to what others thought we should be. As I age, and look back at my life, the days of school were just a small part of it all. I pray that you Carolyn, get into a college of your choice, but regardless where you go, it will be the ‘other’ life experiences in your life that I think may be the most important when you look back on it in the years to come. Don’t let the stress get to you. Be YOUR best. Keep your head held high and take everything with a grain of salt. Thanks for sharing your story with us. Best wishes.

Posted by Strato
a resident of Deer Oaks/Twelve Oaks
on Mar 28, 2015 at 2:09 pm
"I'm going through the same thing; it's too bad life is so hard. It really is unfair. I mean, what if I don't get into a four-year college? I might have to do my lower division work at a community college--ewww!!!"

I'm glad my son isn't elitist like you. He went to a community college, got a degree with a triple option at one of the CSU's and has been working since he was 18. Now he's working in his chosen field and loves it. And guess what, he enjoyed his high school years.

Bravo, Carolyn! You're absolutely right about the current parental overemphasis on over-achievement. There was a recent article in the New York Times about students graduating from those coveted "top schools" who found that they didn't have a clue about life or how to be happy or contented. Instead, they had dutifully followed the "script," only to end up as burn-out messes. I must confess that as a parent, I was subject to the same lunacy, bragging (*cough*) talking, comparing my children's achievements to the other parents', etc. Yes, achievements are good, but at what cost? Why should students learn to hate the intense pressures and anxieties of school instead of loving to learn? What is going on with us that we don't see what we're doing? As parents, are we so blind to what is most important in life that we make our children miserable by hovering over them and insisting that they excel in everything? Where is the line between parental help, and inspiration to "be the best that you can be," and overbearing unnecessary lunatic helicopter-parent pressure?

I remember growing up in the sixties. Never once did either parent ever know or care what any of my homework consisted of; I was expected to, and did, handle the entirety of my education on my own. It was the same with all of my friends; it would have been ludicrous for a parent to be following us around, wondering what our assignments were, and keeping track of them for us. I brought the report card home, and that was it. In elementary school, there was zero homework. We drilled and drilled on grammar and math basics in class, and we were given time to do our work in class; we didn't have busywork. In middle and high school, I had nowhere near the amount of homework my kids had to deal with. It was rare that I had to bring work home, and that lasted all the way through high school. We had this thing called "home room" at the end of the day, and I got most of my work done there. From age 14, I was able to work 15-20 hours/week with no impact on school. Somehow we managed to find a place in society.

Hiring a full time therapist is a step in the right direction. However, if parents continue to brag about 4.0 and above GPA's, athletic and other academic over-achievements, and the number of AP classes their kids are taking, a therapist may be able to only put a band-aid on the symptoms that the kids show from their unhealthy stress. Until, parents, schools, and other kids stop labeling success with the definition described above, kids will continue to feel this intense pressure. Society, including elementary to high schools, colleges, and parents have created a pretty unattainable definition of success. Even the smartest, most athletic kid can not work at such a high pressure level and have a balanced, healthy social life as well. So many stories of kids going off to "dream college" and coming home because they weren't able to deal with the stress that comes with real life without mom and dad helping either with school load or chores at home. We need to define what success means for each individual kid. We also need to be willing to look at our own kid with honest, open eyes and appreciate and celebrate our kid for their own strenghts and achievements. We then need to be secure enough not to measure our definition of success or kid's achievements with someone else's

Coincidentally, after I read this post, I heard a story on the local NPR (or was it KCBS?) station to the effect that Palo Alto high schools are experiencing a higher suicide rate this year.