Everyone has a toaster, and doesn't need a new one, you say? FACT: at least 20 million people in this country either don't have or cannot afford toasters. That means they cannot have toast. Warm, lovely toast, hot on the plate with butter melting.
But they could go to a restaurant and get some toast if they wanted toast, you say? Oh sure, you have your toaster and you are happy there at home with it, but you'd selfishly force your fellow Americans to go out and seek random toast on the streets?
Don't worry, if you like your toaster, you can keep your toaster. Period.
There will be major benefits for everyone. The enhancements to toasters will mean those who had inadequate toasters will see big improvements. Technology will allow you to order a toaster online at toastercare.gov. a website we are very certain will work better than the last one we tried to make. After all, we are talking toasters here, how hard could that be?
So you say you're a vegan and you don't even like toast? If there is one thing history teaches us, it is that toast is something everyone needs, and if we are going to make it as a country, we are going to have to make toasters available to everyone. Now do not worry, you will not be forced to go buy a toaster. Just mark the 'vegan' box on your tax return, and the non-toast eating calculations will be done for you and added to your total tax liability.
The really good news is that the cost of providing toast to everyone is projected, by preliminary estimates, to go down over time. And the quality of toast for everyone will improve! Is that living out the real promise of the American dream? The fundamental human right to have toast!
Now the Republican playbook is to cater only to their masters in the extremist far right Tea Party who will say the founding fathers didn't have toasters, and they did just fine. Life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, right? I don't see the word toast in there anywhere. Just typical. The Tea Party fails to mention the founding fathers who also had slaves whom they ordered to not only toast their bread, but to grow the wheat, mill the flour, make the dough and cook the bread.
We are going to have to pull the racists out of the 17th century and toward the future, a future where everyone has toast. Do not let the Republicans stand between us and toasters for all, vote Democrat in 2016!