July 08, 2009
Extreme Makeover, Conservative Edition
By Robin of Berkeley
As you might know by now, I'm in recent recovery from lifelong liberalism. Part of my program is confessing my sins. In my articles, I try to be as candid and honest as I can (which is great therapy, though, at times, I feel like I'm on one of those reality shows where you folks are chilling with a cold beer and saying, "Does she have any idea what a jerk she's been?" and, "Oh my God, does her face scream Botox or what?")
Well, you know, I deserve it. I was leftist for so many years, and I thought and said so many idiotic things that a little gentle ribbing is good for the soul (remember, the operative word is "gentle"). And I was a hypocrite. I preached forgiveness and kindness toward all, except conservatives. I prided myself on being a spiritually evolved being who refrained from stereotyping and discrimination. And yet I was engaged in prejudice against a whole group of people.
Well I've renounced it all, and feel like the world's biggest ignoramus. A meatball, blockhead, sap, twit, peabrain, chowderhead, dipstick, dolt, and dumb cluck (I consulted my thesaurus for help here). But part of the reason why I was a class A fool was because I had been fooled. I saw all the Michael Moore movies and heard Michael Parenti speak, and bought books by Chomsky and Zinn, and listened to left of left KPFA radio, and did everything I was supposed to. My father raised me to despise conservatives, so there you go. I was brainwashed.
But if you think I'm the rare bird, sorry Charley. Almost every liberal in the Blue States feels the same mindless malice toward the Right. (I imagine that in the Red States, liberals have to behave themselves because they're in the minority and, frankly, you people are armed.) Even my moderate Democratic friends from outside California regard conservatives with venom. Whipped up by rage at the Man and US Imperialism planted in the recesses of their brains by the far Left, liberals blame all wars, racism, recession, urban violence, poverty, even athlete's foot and hemorrhoids, on those satanic conservatives.
How well do you know your average liberal? To determine your LI (Liberal IQ), I have devised the following quiz. See if you can answer the following like a Blue State liberal.
1. The cause(s) of global warming is:
a. C02 emissions.
b. Rush Limbaugh's hot air
c. George W. Bush.
d. All of the above.
2. The biggest threat facing the US today is:
a. North Korea
c. Home grown radical Islam.
d. Talk Radio.
3. We joined the Allies during WWII because of:
b. Japanese Emperor Hirohito
c. Pearl Harbor
d. A Right Wing Conspiracy
4. Before I go to sleep at night I give thanks to:
b. The Hebrew God.
d. Lama Obama.
5. These are a few of my favorite things:
a. Pledging to help Obama change the world.
b. Giving spare change to the victims of US hegemony.
c. Wishing bodily harm on George Bush and Sarah Palin.
d. All of the above.
If you selected D, congratulations! You have excellent LI. That's the good news; the bad news is that you are up to speed and know that there are countless people out there who despise conservatives.
Given the current climate, I didn't exactly pick the greatest time in the world to switch parties. I'm living surrounded by leftists, and hear trash talk every single day. Liberals are amazingly creative at peppering their daily chitchat with attacks on conservatives ("Hello, I'd like a decaf mocha, and didn't George Bush destroy this country?") If I responded the way I'd like to, I'd lose my livelihood and risk my life.
Instead, to cope with the constant barrage, I've perfected a beatific Mona Lisa smile: a half smile that reveals nothing. It's not an enthusiastic, perky full-smile nor is it a pejorative smirk or scowl. My Mona Lisa creates a momentary confusion in the other ("What is that odd look on Robin's face -- is she agreeing, disagreeing, or does she have gas?") just long enough for me to hop right in and change the subject. For instance, when a colleague said to me, "Obama is doing such great things to get us out of the recession which those disgusting Republicans got us into," my knee jerk reaction was to get in his face, but instead I bit off a little piece of tongue while doing my Mona Lisa personal best.
So, friends, we have a bit of a PR nightmare on our hands. In my opinion, conservatives need to mix things up a bit and get the word out that we are not the offspring of Lucifer. Perhaps a big tent, an end to infighting, and a sense of humor will help. Here is my small contribution to this political face lift, an Extreme Makeover, Conservative Edition: Robin's top ten list. Please post some of your own to keep the positive energy (as we say in Berkeley) going.
Robin's Top Ten List of Why Conservatism Rocks:
(Actually there are more than ten -- there were too many to limit it!)
16. We have lovely Miss Carrie Prejean; they have Missing Link Janeane Garofalo.
15. Cool men of Steele: Shelby and Michael.
14. Conservative guys will beat the crap out of our assailant; liberal men will offer him money for food.
13. Can remove sign, "When it's yellow, let it mellow; when it's brown, flush it down," and flush toilet with impunity. (Yes, actual sign seen in Berkeley.)
12. Higher resale value on my car: No angry bumper stickers!
11. Now we can rail against the Man (which they are, even if they deny it)
10. Replaced mean Sean (Penn) with clean Sean (Hannity).
9. Talk Radio!
8. No need to queue up for latest Michael Moore movie.
7. We have God; they have trolls.
6. Being part of sexy, countercultural, free thinking new movement.
5. My work ethic has already improved. (It's true!)
4. Bye bye tie dye!
3. American Thinker.
2. Happiness is a warm gun.
1. No Obama, No Trauma.
A frequent contributor to AT, Robin is a recovering liberal and psychotherapist trapped in Berkeley.
Page Printed from: Web Link at July 08, 2009 - 10:47:20 AM EDT