March 18, 2005

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Publication Date: Friday, March 18, 2005

Our dearly departing

Let's face it: Sooner or later, each of us will have to deal with death - our own, and likely that of a cherished family member.

Since 1891, Pleasanton residents have been turning to Graham-Hitch Mortuary to help them through the difficult time of bereavement. Randy Friesen moved to Pleasanton from his native state of Oregon in December 1989 and became president of both Graham-Hitch Mortuary and its affiliate, Jess C. Spencer Mortuary and Crematory in Castro Valley. Friesen prides himself on the type of personal service that enables local families to say farewell in the manner of their own choosing.

Meeting people's needs can take unusual twists. Friesen has arranged for services at a volleyball court and in an English-style pub. One woman wanted her husband's casket enameled candy-apple red - the same color as his classic Chevrolet - and Friesen was able to fulfill her wishes.

"Sometimes people are distraught because they are hearing from so many people what they 'should' do for a funeral or memorial service," he noted. "I tell them that caring people are only trying to share their own traditions, but that a funeral is like a box: It can be filled with whatever matters most to the family, because it is something they will remember forever."

The mortuary on First Street now includes a newly redone showroom for caskets, urns and other materials that come in a wide variety of styles, colors and prices. Throughout human history, people have sought permanence in the way they honor their dead, often including in the burial site items valued in life. Similarly, the latest caskets may include small drawers in the lid into which the family can place personal mementos.

The casket also can include decorative exterior cornerpieces that reflect the individual's hobbies or interests: American flags, flowers, fishermen, etc. Besides wooden caskets, metal caskets are available in colors and finishes that rival those of luxury automobiles. Friesen provides potential clients with a complete listing of prices for services and materials, as well as a reprint of "Consumer Guide to Funeral & Cemetery Purchases," published by the California Department of Consumer Affairs.

For families who prefer cremation rather than burial, Friesen offers a variety of urns, including matching miniature ones to share with family members. Special picture frames can hold not only a favorite portrait of a family member, but also their ashes. Another option is a mantel clock. The ornate face swings open, revealing a metal container in which the cremains can be kept for all time.

Although the business has been locally owned and operated for 114 years, it has moved to four different locations. According to local historian Charles Huff, mortuaries tended to be linked to either cabinetmakers or livery stables, preferably located near an ice house.

Anthony Schweer and George Detjens of the Fashion Livery Stables on the southeast corner of Main and Division streets built a small wood frame building at the rear of the property, facing Railroad Avenue, to serve as the first local mortuary in 1891. This building is still standing, directly across from the historic brick fire station. Passers-by can see the sliding door on the Division Street side, high enough up to conveniently load a coffin into a horse-drawn wagon.

Charlie Graham married one of the Detjen daughters and was given the mortuary business by his father-in-law. Graham moved the mortuary to the east side of Main Street in 1910. Two strips of paving for the hearse still can be seen behind a decorative iron gate in the 600 block, two doors down from Spring Street. Caskets - sometimes occupied - were displayed in the front window.

After Ralph Hitch purchased the business, he moved it in 1954 to the site of an old home on St. John Street, changing the name to Graham & Hitch Mortuary. Ironically, former owner Charlie Graham attended the grand opening of the St. John Street location - and shortly thereafter became the first "client" of the new mortuary.

In 1972, Jess C. Spencer purchased the Graham-Hitch Mortuary, as it was known by then. Fifteen years ago, Friesen took over the business.

For Friesen, it was a somewhat accidental career. "You might say I grew up in a mortuary," he said. "My father and several of my relatives were in the business. Our family owned a chain of five mortuaries in Oregon. When I was 18, my father asked me what I wanted to do. I told him the only things I was sure of was that I NEVER wanted to be a mortician, and I never wanted to live in Salem, Oregon."

As the old saying goes, "Never say never." Friesen joined the Navy and served aboard a nuclear submarine, thinking his future career might be as an aeronautical engineer. Unfortunately, his career choice was made just before the collapse of that industry.

By then, Friesen had met and fallen in love with Darlene, his sister's college roommate. "When I asked her to marry me, Darlene said she would on two conditions: That I get a military discharge and find a job." Friesen decided to take a "temporary" job in the mortuary business while deciding on another career. "And guess where I served my mortuary apprenticeship? Salem, Oregon!" he said with a laugh.

What began as a temporary job became a lifetime career, however, as Friesen discovered a passion for his work. Morticians provide people with a much-needed service at an important point in their clients' lives, he explained, adding, "We get to be linked to history in a very special way."

While still an apprentice, Friesen planned the funeral for a veteran of the Spanish-American war. He also arranged the services for a 113-year-old woman whose oldest siblings had been slaves. "I feel like I was destined to do this," said the 56-year-old mortician.

His is not an easy job: Morticians are always "on call," and death does not heed business hours nor holidays. When he came to Pleasanton, Friesen was one of four employees for both mortuaries, and he went three years without a single vacation. Now Friesen has a staff of 10, and he takes off five weeks per year - one way to make up for the weekends and holidays he has had to spend away from his family.

Randy and Darlene have been married for 33 years as of April, and they are the parents of two children: Eric, who is a firefighter and paramedic in Sacramento, and Heidi, who works for land developers in Antioch. Friesen speaks with understandable pride of his grandchildren, Noah, 2; and Rylie and Abigale, both 1. Besides spending time with his family, Friesen is active in the Pleasanton Downtown Rotary Club and Valley Community Church.

Friesen worked with local architect Michael Goldsworthy to create a calm and spacious chapel and mortuary facility at 4167 First St. to serve the growing needs of our community. Since 1972, the Graham-Hitch and Spencer mortuaries have arranged funerals for 7,125 Pleasanton residents.

"We moved into our current facility in December of 1992, but we had no heat in the building until February," recalled Friesen. A critical piece of machinery had broken and had to be reordered, so it was a chilly start.

What was unfailingly warm, however, was the customer service Friesen provides. He meets for consultation with the bereaved for one to six hours in order to understand and meet their needs.

"In this business, you have to walk a fine line: On one side, you have to care enough for each family to want to help them, but you cannot step too far over the line of being compassionate or you will become part of their problem," explained Friesen, who has served some families as many as four times since coming to this community.

A member of both the National Funeral Directors' Association and its state affiliate, Friesen is part of what he describes as a "close-knit family" of professionals who help out one another.

Some of the changes he has seen in his line of work are the number of families requesting cremation (58 percent) vs. inhumation (burial). Also, his job requires knowledge of how to transport bodies to (or from) such distant places as Africa, Egypt, Greece and Turkey.

Training to be a mortician/embalmer requires a two-year college degree, plus serving an apprenticeship and passing a state licensing examination. Funeral directors also must pass a state licensing examination. There are two community colleges in California offering degrees in mortuary science: American River College in the Sacramento area and Cypress College in southern California.

For many people, funerals bring memories of grief and distress. Why would someone choose a profession that involves transporting, washing, embalming, dressing and even doing hairstyling and makeup for corpses?

Friesen, a veteran of over 15,000 funerals, says that the very worst part of his job also is the most rewarding. "When we have to arrange services for a child, we pray that that child is the last one we ever will have to serve ... but that is also when we do our best work," said Friesen. "It provides us with the most rewards and most grief at the same time.

"Several years ago, I made funeral arrangements for a family whose 11-month-old son had died in a freak accident. Two or three months after the funeral, the mother came in to see me," Friesen recalled. "'You made my son's funeral wonderful,' she told me, and we shared hugs and tears. That's the kind of reward you can't get anywhere else. That's what makes what I do worthwhile."
Plan your exit

One of the finest gifts you can leave your survivors is a list of answers to the following questions: ¥ Do you prefer inhumation (burial) or cremation? ¥ Would you like a funeral service (open or closed casket present) or a memorial service (no casket present)? If so, what are your choices regarding music? Readings? Speaker(s)? Location? ¥ Is there a charity or nonprofit organization that you would like to benefit from memorial contributions? Do you know its mailing address?
How will you be remembered?

Few tasks can be more challenging - and humbling - than attempting to summarize your life in a few short paragraphs. Here are basic ingredients for a do-it-yourself obituary: ¥ Date and place of birth ¥ Names of parents ¥ Education, military service, career ¥ Proudest accomplishment, community service, memorable characteristic ¥ Affiliations, hobbies ¥ Survivors' names, relationships, places of residence ¥ Preferred charitable donations ¥ And the one part you cannot fill out in advance for yourself: time, date and place of services
The going rate for eternal rest

Costs vary greatly for mortuary services, depending on factors such as distance, time and materials. Here are some general guidelines to help you plan ahead: ¥ Casket: $175 to $2,150 (child/infant); $800 to $22,000 (adult) ¥ Direct cremation (without ceremony): $1,100 ¥ Immediate burial (without ceremony or embalming; does not include cost of gravesite or casket): $1,900 ¥ Funeral services (does not include casket cost): $2,300-$3,600

Other variables: Use of chapel for visitation, memorial folders, registration book for visitors, acknowledgment cards, limousine transportation for family, hearse transportation to gravesite or crematory, refrigeration, flower van, motorcycle escort, newspaper announcements, organist, scattering of cremated remains. Government-imposed fees and taxes can include certified death certificates, disposition permit and coroner's processing fee. Cemetery costs are in addition to those listed above.

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