March 11, 2005

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Publication Date: Friday, March 11, 2005

Becoming a family of five

Bret Stover was working in his Pleasanton yard last July, building a plant stand against the back fence, when his wife Tamara came out holding the newspaper.

It was the Pleasanton Weekly of July 24, which featured a story on Russian orphans visiting the area with a group called Kidsave to meet families that might want to adopt them.

Tamara pointed out a large photo of three slightly smiling young faces with huge hazel eyes gazing off the page. The story told about Olya, Anna and Vasily - then 11, 10 and 8 - whose widowed mother had died the year before. It also mentioned a picnic the next day at a park in Danville where people could meet the children.

"She said there was something about the picture. She wanted to go check it out," Bret recalled. "I said, 'OK, let's do this.'"

"It was weird," he added. "I usually analyze things more than that."

The next day they ran some errands on their way to the park and when they took longer than expected Tamara suggested they wait and attend the next event.

"I said, 'Let's drive by and take a look,'" Bret said. Once there they took a walk around the park before finally approaching the Kidsave group, when they were greeted by Kathy Failor, the mother of two Russian children.

Failor remembers seeing them and trying to steer them to one or two children.

"But they said they had read the article and wanted the three," she recalled with a laugh.

When they met Olya, Anna and Vasily, they knew it was destiny.

"These are the three," Tamara recalled thinking. "This is it - and life has never been the same."

They got the telephone number of the host family, the Henigs, and stopped on their way home to buy books on Russian adoption as well as language books. That evening when Tamara was working in the kitchen, Bret said, "Well, aren't you going to call them?" They called and went over the Henigs' the next day.

They also took a trip to Nevada city with the Henig family - mom Vivian, dad Bruce, and Cassandra and Christian - where they had fun swimming in the river and riding ATV's.

Tamara and Bret were ready to break the news by then and had the children over to their house.

"Anna found out first," recalled Tamara. "She said, 'Is this our home?' We said, 'Yes,' and we all gave each other big hugs." The children began to call them "Mama" and "Papa."

Then it was time to inform the grandparents-to-be. "We waited until we were 100 percent sure, then we sort of dropped it on them," Tamara said.

They had their three parents over for a birthday dinner for Bret's dad and presented him with a wrapped photograph of their anticipated family of five. This caused some confusion until Bret and Tamara explained they were adopting the three children in the photo. They further explained they were from Russia.

"The moms started to cry," remembered Tamara.

They all met each other at a First Wednesday Street Fair on Main Street.

"They're very affectionate - they gave them hugs," Tamara said, noting that the adoption has been easier for everyone because the children are loving and demonstrative.

So all was settled except the technicalities. What followed was seven months of paperwork, trips to Sacramento to get papers certified according to the 1961 Hague Convention, and two trips to Russia. Children's Hope International helped them through the process, which cost $30,000 to adopt all three, not including the airfares.

"There were 40-50 documents," said Bret, covering every aspect of their lives, including an FBI clearance.

The process seemed longer than seven months and was nerve-wracking, he noted.

"You're investing more (emotionally and financially) as time goes on," he said. "Anything could happen." They were especially worried because the children have a grandmother and aunts in Russia, who could have changed their minds about being able to care for the three children.

While doing the adoption paperwork, they were also busy decorating their bedrooms, Vasily's with a Spiderman theme and the girls' to match bedding they picked out last summer. Their bathroom has fish swimming the walls a la "Finding Nemo."

The big day finally arrived. "All of us were in court," Bret recalled. "The judge went though every piece of paper."

The adoption was final Feb. 4. Then it was off to the U.S. Embassy to get visas. Next the new family donned big Russian fur hats and traveled to Moscow to visit the sights, to instill pride in the children about their heritage. The children became American citizens the moment their airplane touched down in the United States, on Feb. 11.

The Stovers want them to retain their language and culture. As the children learn English, the parents are studying Russian, using tapes and CDs. Rooms and objects in the home are labeled with English as the children learn the new alphabet and language. Tamara noted they can already say, "I love you."

Tamara and Bret took time off work to bond with the children in their new home. The biggest challenge so far has been the frustration of not being able to communicate, especially when situations are emotionally charged. "They want to express themselves and it's hard," Bret said.

Each of the three children has a scrapbook with photos of their Russian friends and their travels with their new parents. They share these with visitors, as well as welcoming them into their home by cutting and serving apple slices arranged attractively on a plate.

"They like fruits and vegetables," said Bret, "and potatoes, cooked any way."

"They like sausages and hot dogs," added Tamara. "But each one is different."

The Stovers are enjoying staying at home together, with their golden retriever Rem, and taking trips to neighborhood parks. They enjoyed a trip to the Oakland Zoo, although a day visiting the Monterey Aquarium proved overwhelming.

On Monday the parents return to work and the children begin school at Donlon Elementary, where the girls will be in fifth grade and Vas in the third. Tamara, who works nearby in client services at ADP, will take them to school and pick them up at 3 p.m. during a late lunch hour. Bret will soon be home since he works an early shift as an operating room charge nurse at Eden Medical Center in Castro Valley.

The Stovers said they've been married 10 years and were planning to adopt children; they moved to their neighborhood off Valley Avenue three years ago with that in mind although they hadn't done anything about it. Until Tamara came into the back yard with the newspaper last summer.

Bret pointed to the unfinished plant stand. It may never be finished now, he conceded. But he didn't look unhappy about it.

Helping miracles happen

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