Holidays, hurry up! Holidays, hurry up! (December 17, 2004)

by Shannon Corey, Art Director

E ver wonder how some people make it through this time of year unfettered, unstressed, unwrinkled? No sense of grumpiness, tension in the shoulders, or circles under their eyes? I think these are the people who wear red and green all December, must have finished their shopping in October, and seem to have "Holly Jolly Christmas" following them like their very own theme song. (And, no fooling, the faint smell of apple cider is always in the air, too.)

I like this time of year just fine. I'm no Scrooge. I love seeing the electrical extravaganza of holiday lights on the rooftops, and I'm most fond of the abundant fudge, cookies and eggnog. I don't mind knowing I will buy gifts that will inevitably be returned (or recycled). I don't even worry too much when bad news arrives in my mailbox exactly 10 days later in one of those window envelopes.

I'll even go so far as to say the Christmas tree is a type of art form ... sort of. There's nothing wrong with hanging from a branch the photo of you as a kid in the '70s or tying a piece of yarn around the plastic M&M character that was once the lid for the candycane-shaped tube filled of chocolates. I guess I committed the holy sin of St. Nick by converting to an artificial tree a few years back. The good thing - I won't spend the next three months getting pine needles out of the carpet. The bad thing - I will never get it back in the box it came in. Learn from my mistake - don't even think of leaving the ornaments on it for the next year.

Still, there are other wonderful details about the holidays I've learned to appreciate. The Holidays give you the opportunity to polish up on some of your family-interaction social skills.

The Polite Thank You: "Oh, wow, this is perfect. I was just at the gas station and thought how nice it would be to have my very own squeegee."

The Well-to-do Relative Kiss-Up: "No, you're right, Auntie, StoveTop is just as good as homemade - even better!"

The Holiday Damage Control: "I thought that since you liked this gift so much last year - I'd give you another one."

I do have one serious gripe about the holidays - gift certificates. When did this all happen? When did it become the ideal gift to give and receive? It's as if to say, "I'd get you something really cool from The Sharper Image, but instead I'll let you deal with it."

And, it can get worse: "I have absolutely no idea what to buy you so here's a gift certificate to the MALL." Next time give 'em cash and free up a parking spot.

People don't exchange gifts, they exchange envelopes. And you know why - it all comes back to the root of the holiday headache - there is too much to do in too short a time.

So, find the box full of lights, start erecting the tree, buy the food, wrap the gifts, and the next time that cheerful, perky person wearing red and green and smelling of pine needles and apple cider and Burl Ives playing softly in the background tries to disguise both the smugness and concern in their voice and politely asks, "Are you done with your Christmas shopping?" - you can calmly say: "I still have seven more days."
-Jeb Bing's column will return next week.

E-mail a friend a link to this story.