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There’s a very interesting article that came out recently in Scientific American called The Science of Passionate Sex
The obsession of sex in our culture (which is also often a taboo to discuss in a couple context), through articles, shows, magazines and books about better orgasms, performance, harder erections, hot sex, etc. is leading you in the wrong direction to have a sexually gratifying life with your beloved.
In a nutshell, the research results showed that ‘harmonious sexual passion’ defined as “passion for sex that is well integrated and in harmony with other aspects of the self . . . frees one up to fully engage and enjoy sexual activity in an open, spontaneous, and nondefensive manner.”
This is in contrast to ‘obsessive sexual passion’, which is generally about sexual release rather than connection. “Their sexual desires remain detached from other areas of their self as well as other domains in life. This leads to more narrow goals, such as immediate sexual gratification (e.g., orgasm), and leads to more of an urgent feeling of sex as a goal, compelling us to perform, instead of us being in control of our sexuality.”
I urge you to read the article and think about your own sex life; how is it now? How do you want it to be? Talk to each other about it, and even though it may be vulnerable to do so. Tell your partner your hopes and dreams for your sex life, and how that integrates into your life overall. Use specific words, rather than beating around the bush.
When you’re the listener, hold your beloved’s words and needs as gently as though they are birds eggs, fragile and full of life.