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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Is Watching Porn Considered to be Cheating?

Uploaded: Jan 21, 2022
The answer actually is: it depends.

If you and your partner have discussed it and agreed that watching porn is okay, then watching porn is not cheating—with caveats. If you both agree with a good heart, and not because one of you is worried about rocking the boat or losing the relationship if you don’t agree, then it’s not cheating.

Note: If you are not able to stand up for yourself and say what you actually want and need in your relationship overall, that’s an issue to deal with right away.

Please know that porn is ACTING. These are not people in a relationship. Porn is not real. Porn is scripted, and acted out. The actors don’t care about the other person/people. Porn is fantasy. Do NOT expect your partner to act like or be a porn actor, or to do what you see.

Here are a few topics to cover in your discussion (please suggest other topics):
• What if she wants to watch porn? According to Statistica.com, 77 percent of women reported never watching online porn, compared to 22 percent on men.
• Is there a double standard?
• Is it okay for each of you to watch porn separately, or do you watch it together?
• How much time will be spent watching porn?
• Is it okay to masturbate while watching porn?
• Do you want to use porn to light a fire you quench together?
There are no right or wrong answers; it’s what works for the two of you.

If someone is secretly watching porn, then there’s already a problem, and the partner in the dark might consider it cheating. Otherwise, why is it being hidden?

Watching porn can be a turn on for couples, or it can be incredibly destructive. Having open and honest communication about sex and one’s sex life is important and liberating (once you get over your embarrassment or shyness, or the fact that many consider sex a taboo topic).

If your partner spills, or you find out that s/he’s been watching porn, try not to jump down his/her throat: ask questions, be curious and courageous. Of course you’ll have reactions; let them rise and fall before you open your mouth. Use this as an opportunity to grow closer and have a deeper connection and intimacy.

Each couple will know if watching porn is cheating or not.

However, you need to have further discussions after agreeing to ensure that you still both feel okay about it after watching porn commences. Keep it an ongoing conversation. You can figure out how often to talk about it, but leaving it open-ended is not a good plan. I recommend you talk about watching porn a month after your agreement, or sooner if a lot of feelings or concerns arise. Depending on how that conversation goes, check in monthly or quarterly for a while.

Mostly I want you to get in the habit of discussing potentially difficult conversations on a regular basis. This is how you prevent the proverbial “pile under the rug” from building up.
Democracy.
What is it worth to you?

Comments

Posted by Carolyn Ober, a resident of Cuesta Park,
on Jan 21, 2022 at 12:14 pm

Carolyn Ober is a registered user.

QUOTE: Is Watching Porn Considered to be Cheating?

ANSWER: No more than pleasuring oneself while fantasizing about someone else. What takes place in one's private mind is far different than actually doing something in real time.

We do not need any form of 'mind police' to interfere with our fantasies.


Posted by Bobby Kanaka, a resident of another community,
on Jan 22, 2022 at 11:00 am

Bobby Kanaka is a registered user.

Cheating factors aside, many psychologists define the scope of the porn as to whether it is a healthy or an unhealthy preoccupation and/or occasional outlet.

There is (1) erotic/sensual, (2) kinky/twisted, and lastly (3) sick and depraved.

The latter type (3) is perhaps the most dangerous and disturbing of them all regardless of singular or joint viewing.


Posted by marianne davis, a resident of Leland Manor/Garland Drive,
on Jan 22, 2022 at 12:21 pm

marianne davis is a registered user.

How can someone be cheating on their spouse (or significant other) if the outlet is only wishful thinking or imagined fantasy?

I do it all the time and we've been married for 25 years.

It's like food...would you want to eat spaghetti every night?




Posted by Judith Spector, a resident of another community,
on Jan 22, 2022 at 4:21 pm

Judith Spector is a registered user.

This question is like asking whether cyber-sex is cheating.

And how can that be when there is absolutely no physical contact?

God gave us free-thinking minds to explore and private parts to enjoy.

Don't waste either one as life is too short as it is


Posted by Jason Leiter, a resident of Leland Manor/Garland Drive,
on Jan 23, 2022 at 9:41 am

Jason Leiter is a registered user.

*"would you want to eat spaghetti every night?"

No and I happen to like spaghetti.

That said, I take another approach to this topic regarding fantasy.

When I am with my wife and having sex, I simply IMAGINE that I am with someone else and I suspect that she probably does the same thing at times.

It works because we have also been married for over 25 years and cannot afford the financial ramifications of a divorce at this point in time.

As George Clinton (of Parliament Funkadelic) once said, "Free your mind and your a** will follow."


Posted by Paul Wick, a resident of Charleston Meadows,
on Jan 25, 2022 at 12:29 pm

Paul Wick is a registered user.

Porn can also be viewed as an educational supplement in regards to learning more about sex and how to please your partner.

I started watching porn in the 8th grade and learned a lot from this vicarious and enlightening experience.

The key is not to get too carried away with what you see as it is all scripted and performed by actors...none of whom will ever be nominated for a Golden Globe or Academy Award.

They are merely 'method actors' of the lowest common denominator minator


Posted by Ron Crist, a resident of Bailey Park,
on Jan 25, 2022 at 1:05 pm

Ron Crist is a registered user.

Viewing pornography is disrepectful towards women (unless one is viewing male gay porn) and should be discouraged.

Women are to be cherished and not relegated to being circus animals performing tricks for an undisclosed audience.

Think about it.


Posted by Harriet Johnson, a resident of Castro City,
on Jan 25, 2022 at 4:04 pm

Harriet Johnson is a registered user.

In some cultures, any sexually deviant behavior is harshly punished, including adultery and homosexuality.

Under those social conditions it would probably be best not to be viewing or enjoying pornography in any form.

In America there is far more latitude.


Posted by Melanie Palmer, a resident of Gemello,
on Jan 26, 2022 at 10:33 am

Melanie Palmer is a registered user.

*Is Watching Porn Considered to be Cheating?

Not if one is a teenager with no boyfriend or girlfriend.


Posted by Lizette Morales, a resident of Castro City,
on Jan 26, 2022 at 4:36 pm

Lizette Morales is a registered user.

Fornication is supposedly a sin if one wants to buy into that concept but who does?

And pornography is essentially staged fornication.

Carnal lust is merely a part of human nature and even former president Jimmy Carter admitted to 'having lust in his heart' during a Playboy interview decades ago.

The key is to keep one's thoughts to oneself as doing so will also reduce the chances of being fired or reprimanded for sexual harassment at the workplace.

People get bored with one another after awhile so privately watching a little porn every now and then shouldn't be that big of a deal.

On the other hand, watching it 24/7/365 might be a cause for concern.


Posted by Rashaun Williams, a resident of East Palo Alto,
on Jan 27, 2022 at 11:31 am

Rashaun Williams is a registered user.

[Post removed.]


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