By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
View all posts from Chandrama Anderson
I absolutely recommend that a person put in their dating profile what they’re looking for. Explicit, caring communication is the foundation for long-lasting, happy, healthy relationships. You don’t have to worry about scaring someone off by stating your relationship desire because if s/he is not on the same page, you might as well know immediately. Wouldn’t you rather know now what a potential date’s long-term plans are? If you want marriage, and the other person wants a fling, why waste both of your time?
As a person looking for someone on a dating site, be very clear in your mind and heart what your must-haves--and especially what your must-not haves--are. Then be flexible. Yes, that’s contradictory, but maybe you want someone without kids, but s/he turns out to match all the rest of your must and must-not haves. Is it an insurmountable issue? Only you can answer.
All of this applies to dating when you meet off-line--in the real world. Be transparent, think out loud, and so on. If your goal is to have an emotionally connected relationship, then behave that way from the get-go.
Keep in mind that people are “selling” in the beginning of a relationship. You’re seeing their best behavior, physically and emotionally. Additionally, when people begin dating and like each other, the brain begins to be flooded with happy hormones that wear off within 24 months. During these early months, people may be unaware of or in denial about red flags. Pay attention! Trust yourself if red or pink flags pop up.
Most people go from one relationship to the next with their same behaviors (unless you do the hard work on yourself to change). You may have noticed that you keep running into the same issues with people. Look at yourself first.
All of this is why therapists recommend waiting at least two years to get engaged.