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By Chandrama Anderson

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About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ...  (More)

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Couples: Philosophy of Love

Uploaded: Oct 29, 2018
"You are open and honest in your philosophy of love." This was in my fortune cookie yesterday, and is a great topic for couples. What is your philosophy of love? Are you living it with your partner today?
From what I see in my clinical practice, everyone has ideals and looks to fulfill those with your partner. However, I've noticed that each person's meaning about many things is different; and often not talked about in detail. You assume you mean the same thing by your words and actions; and you may be hurt by words and/or actions that have specific meaning to you. Often, our partner means something else. Know that your partner has an intention when s/he says something. The impact on you may be different than the intention. Instead of reacting, say something along these lines: "I'm sure your intention was good in what you just said. Unfortunately, the impact on me was hurtful/painful/irritating (you fill in the words here). I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. Would you please clarify."
I encourage you to be open and honest, first with yourself, about your philosophy of love, and then with your partner. Many people are afraid that "If only s/he really knew me, s/he wouldn't love me." I would like to turn that around: If you don't show up in your relationships as authentically as you can, then who is there for your partner to love?
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