By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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A while back while I was waiting at the traffic signal by my office I saw a woman at the crosswalk. She wanted to cross Middlefield, a busy street. She turned away from the street while pushing the button to get a “go” signal -- and completely missed her green light. By the time she turned back to the street, it was red again. She waited a bit, then began pushing the button again, seemingly wondering why her turn had not come.
It got me to thinking about couples, and how we want things from one another. Do you turn away and ask? Do you turn away and not ask? Do you hope to get what you want without asking or noticing your partner’s response to you? If so, what might be driving you to behave in these ways?
When you don’t feel connected (fighting, little sex, lack of communication, living like roommates etc.), you may miss opportunities to connect, and end up feeling less connected. And so a downward spiral continues.
What if you risk turning toward your partner? Will s/he notice that? Are you pushing each others' buttons in an attempt to connect? Are you pushing buttons unconsciously and unaware of the consequences?
I realize I’m offering more questions here than answers. Curiosity is a large part of healing disconnection in a couple (community, or the world). What are you wondering about yourself or your behavior in relation to wanting and missing opportunities with your partner?
Do you want to create an upward spiral of connection, love, communication, and passion?