By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Uploaded: Oct 24, 2014
To avoid mistakes and regrets, always consult your wife before engaging in a flirtation.- E.W. Howe
As Mira Kirshenbaum writes in her book, "When Good People Have Affairs: Inside the Hearts & Minds of People in Two Relationships," we need to keep the windows and doors of our relationship shut in order to avoid affairs. These can be physical affairs, or as devastating to women in particular, emotional affairs.
How many of the emotional and physical affairs begin with flirtation? Likely, most.
An emotional affair is when you spend time talking about personal and intimate things with someone other than your spouse (even about your marriage), and you don't tell your spouse that you are talking to this other person about these topics. Eventually you stop talking to your spouse about the topics and just talk to your "friend" about the topics. Next you are hiding quite a lot, and your primary emotional connection is not to your spouse any longer, but to the third party. An emotional affair does not necessarily include a physical or sexual relationship.
Men have told me they like to "window shop" and that they are "not dead" even if they are married. Women have told me they don't want their mate flirting or looking at other women when they are present. Is this flirtation?
Certain people are naturally flirty. What does he get out of it? How does it affect her spouse? Is being naturally flirty a problem? The answers to these questions are very personal, and related specifically to the person, her childhood, his marriage.
If you or your beloved have concerns about flirtation, make time to talk about it. Before making accusations and "you" statements, be curious. Try asking the questions I have posed above, and more of your own.
Ultimately, if flirtation bothers your lover, why continue to flirt?
What is it worth to you?
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