By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Uploaded: Jun 23, 2014
June, thanks for sending in your question.
I should say for the sake of disclosure, that I support gay marriage, and worked quite hard within my professional organization (CAMFT) to change the stance of said organization. It was eventually successful. And, I do see polyamory couples.
With that said, it sounds like your son is happy and hopefully his wives and children are, too. It is not surprising that you would want him to live a "one man one woman" life since you were raised with "one man one woman."
However, not everyone is wired the same.
I think the more important question is whether you are happy with your relationship with your son? Are you getting what you need from him and giving what you want to?
You are entitled to feel uncomfortable. Our feelings are there to let us know we need to attend to something, and usually once we do, the feelings pass. It's okay for you and your husband to think and feel differently about this. In a good marriage, we think together, not alike. Ask your husband to let you feel as you do, and you let him be okay with it.
One way I like to think about important issues is this: I am on my deathbed, reviewing my life. What is important? Will it be how many wives your son has, or whether you feel loved by him and have loved him well?
You may decide to seek counseling for yourself to sort this out inside you. And perhaps after you do that for a while you will find you want to go with your son to counseling for a little while so you can talk with him about what's most important to you.
You may find the book, "Difficult Conversations" helpful, too.
June, let me know if you have follow-up questions.
What is it worth to you?
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