By Chandrama Anderson
E-mail Chandrama Anderson
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in ... (More)
About this blog: About this blog: I am a LMFT specializing in couples counseling and grief and have lived in Silicon Valley since 1969. I'm the president of Connect2 Marriage Counseling. I worked in high-tech at Apple, Stanford University, and in Silicon Valley for 15 years before becoming a therapist. My background in high-tech is helpful in understanding local couples' dynamics and the pressures of living here. I am a wife, mom, sister, friend, author, and lifelong advocate for causes I believe in (such as marriage equality). My parents are both deceased. My son graduated culinary school and is heading toward a degree in Sociology. I enjoy reading, hiking, water fitness, movies, 49ers and Stanford football, Giants baseball, and riding a tandem bike with my husband. I love the beach and mountains; nature is my place of restoration. In my work with couples, and in this blog, I combine knowledge from many fields to bring you my best ideas, tips, tools and skills, plus book and movie reviews, and musings to help you be your genuine self, find your own voice, and have a happy and healthy relationship. Don't be surprised to hear about brain research and business skills, self-soothing techniques from all walks of life, suggestions and experiments, and anything that lights my passion for couples. (Author and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Calif. Lic # MFC 45204.) (Hide)
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Valentine's Day: Pressure for Perfection
Uploaded: Feb 14, 2014
Valentine's Day is supposed to be about love and romance. It may be great pressure for gift buying and giving, and for doing things for your beloved.
In the construct of The 5 Love Languages, by Gary Chapman, Valentine's Day is good for those whose Love language is Gifts or Acts of Service. If your Love Language is Words of Affirmation, Quality Time, or Touch, maybe not so much (although a good card and good time at dinner may count).
I am, of course, a proponent of love, and showing love to each other. I'm not so much a proponent of showing love on a schedule, or having pressure to buy things. I was especially dismayed to see a jewelry ad during the holidays where a young boy was out buying jewelry for his mom while dad flashed a credit card in the background. Most moms would've been happy with a sweet token, handmade by her son.
I see the pressure of Valentine's Day as missing the essential point. How do you give love to the person you know and care about in the way s/he receives it -- every day, all year long?
Valentine's celebrations are lovely and appreciated. Yet if you ignore one another and pay attention to your devices most days, or work long hours and barely have energy for one another, or run from one activity to the next and put everyone and everything as a higher priority than each other, then Valentine's Day is showy, but perhaps a bit empty. It may even be a let down.
Here's my advice, and you can take it or leave it: Go to the online test for The 5 Love Languages and take the test (http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/). Based on the results, think of three things you can say or do for your beloved -- every week -- between now and next Valentine's Day, that will let him know you love him, that will make her feel she is your chosen love, and see how your relationship improves.
Here's a toast to love. Cheers!
What is it worth to you?
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