Michele Bachmann announced she will retire in 2014 in a late-night video, insisting to the strains of a stirringly upbeat, patriotic soundtrack that her decision was not made because of the investigations into possible wrongdoing on her presidential campaign or because of the challenge from Jim Graves:
"Be assured: My decision was not in any way influenced by any concerns about my being reelected to Congress. I've always in the past defeated the communist candidates I ran against, and I have every confidence that if I ran, I would again defeat the corrupt, unpatriotic individual who I defeated last year, who recently announced that he is once again running on an unabashed socialist agenda to bring down these great United States of our Christian God's America."
"And be assured," she continued, "that this decision was not impacted in any way by the recent unpatriotic, un-American inquiries into the activities of my former presidential campaign or my former presidential staff."
Accolades were almost instantaneous. "This late-night decision leaves most Americans devastated," claimed Marco Rubio (R-FL). John McCain echoed Rubio's remarks. "Aside from Sarah Palin, Michele is probably the world's greatest living female." Even the prominent Republican radio personality Rush Limbaugh chimed in: "She is a babe, what more can I say?"
Bachmann will leave behind an impressive legacy. She authored the 37th bill in Congress to repeal Obamacare, and she was one of only three Republican representatives to attend Margaret Thatcher's funeral. Such impressive accomplishments, in addition to being the tireless beard of her homosexual husband, have led many to surmise that Bachmann is using the late-night video to launch an effort to run for president in 2016.