When a child grieves When a child grieves (September 09, 2005)

Pleasanton dad finds help through Hospice
by Carol Bogart

Yanni Karkalemis was a month shy of his sixth birthday when his mother, Pamela, died of a heart attack last summer. In the beginning, his father, Costas, went to the cemetery every day. One afternoon, a family visiting the grave of their 17-year-old son noticed his tears.

Approaching the bereaved man, they consoled him and shared how to contact Hope Hospice if he wanted to try a grief support group for himself, Pam's mom Inez and Yanni.

The Hospice program is without charge and open to anyone in Pleasanton who is struggling with bereavement, including those who are trying to help a grieving child. For Yanni, it meant eight weeks of once-weekly meetings with other kids who were mourning a death. The group members made "memory boxes" of things that reminded them of their deceased loved one. In Yanni's case, it included a shell he found while walking with his mom on a beach in Greece.

Costas recalls how sometimes when Yanni saw him cry, his son told him, "Stop. You're confusing me." Shortly before Pamela died, Costas found her talking to Yanni about Heaven. She told her husband she felt Yanni needed to know, "in case something happens to one of us." Certain that's where his mother had gone, the then-6-year-old didn't want to attend the funeral, Costas remembers, "because she wouldn't be there."

Today, Costas believes his son "is doing better than I am." Pamela was a stay-at-home full-time mother. Helpful to father and son is the continued presence of Inez. Yanni brings her carrots and tells her to "eat healthy so you'll live a long, long time."

Costas, though, is now both dad and mom. It's Costas who takes Yanni to his soccer matches, Costas who spends as much time with his son as he can while still tending to his business.

Hospice facilitator Jennifer Wilson was Yanni's counselor during his grief work. She explains that children may not be able to express their feelings in words, so the children's program utilizes artwork and play.

At the conclusion of each meeting of Yanni's group, for example, Wilson produced a ball of yarn. The children were then asked to answer questions such as, "What is your favorite memory of the person who died?" As each would answer, he or she would then throw the ball of yarn to someone else in the group. "And we would end up with this web," she relates, "where we are all connected. One of the things (about) children when they come in is, they feel they are the only ones that this has happened to, and they feel very isolated." The yarn game reminds them that, in this group, each is connected to the other by the grief they share.

At the very last session, the yarn is cut and the children all take a length home - to remind them they're not alone.
What to expect

According to Hope Hospice literature, when someone close to them dies, children commonly ask three things: Will this happen to me? Who will take care of me? What did I do to cause the death? They may also be angry because they feel "abandoned."

Acknowledging the loss and the hurt is important, as is being honest and concrete. In other words, don't say, "We lost your mom." A child may wonder where he/she needs to go to find her. Instead, tell the truth: "Mom died." Young children, especially, are very literal.

If a child is having difficulty processing the death, Hospice says there may be warning signs. They include:

* marked difference in behavior at school

* irrational aches and pains

* change in eating habits

* unusual fears

* change in sleep patterns

* morbid/obsessive preoccupation with death

* hostility

* withdrawal

* depression

Although each or all of the behaviors may occur for a short time, if the changes persist a parent may want to find a therapist who specializes in children.
Helping kids cope

Hope Hospice offers grief support for children and teens three times a year. The groups meet once a week after school for eight weeks. Children are placed according to age. There is no cost to attend, but enrollment is limited. The next orientation session for parents is from 7-8:30 p.m., Tuesday, Sept. 20. The first meeting for younger children takes place on Thursday, Sept. 22; Wednesday, Sept. 21 for teens. For more information, call 829-8770 or visit www.hopehospice.com. Hope Hospice is located in Dublin at 6500 Dublin Blvd. Meetings are in Suite 214.
Grief reading list for children

* "Badger's Parting Gifts" - Susan Varley

* "Lifetimes" - Bryan Mellonie and Robert Ingpen

* "Don't Despair on Thursday" - Adoph Moser

* "I Miss You: A First Look at Death" - Pat Thomas

* "The Next Place" - Warren Hanson
Community groups support the program

The Ruby Hill Giving Thanks Charity Ball and Livermore Valley Winegrowers Foundation's San Francisco wine auction both raise money for the children's program at Hope Hospice. Last year, the Charity Ball raised $85,000. The auction contributed $40,000. Also last year, Diablo Valley Bank in Pleasanton donated teddy bears that were first "adopted" by friends and patrons of the bank. Funds raised contributed $3,360 to Hospice programs.

Tickets for this year's Charity Ball are now on sale. The black tie event's 2005 theme is "A Roman Holiday." The Ball will take place at the Palm Event Center at Historic Ruby Hill from 6:30 p.m. to midnight, Saturday October 22. The ticket price, $350 per person, benefits area children by providing funds for Hope Hospice; Open Heart Kitchen which, with Tri-Valley Haven, provides meals and services; Camp Arroyo (the Taylor Family Foundation's Livermore-located camp for bereaved children) and the pediatrics department at ValleyCare Health System.

"The generous funding support we receive from the Ruby Hill Giving Thanks Charity Ball allows us to expand our bereavement and grief education services to adults, children and teens in our community," explains Hospice Director of Development Carol Chalberg. She credits organizers' efforts with making it possible for Hospice to provide what she calls innovative, specialized grief support services to the community.

Chalberg adds, "My hope is that (organizers) will have the deep satisfaction of knowing they have played a part in healing a grieving heart." -By Carol Bogart
Tickets to the Ruby Hill Giving Thanks Charity Ball

Corporate sponsors are asked to call Heidi Sanzari at 462-1107. Call Cathy Faerber at 931-0285 to buy individual tickets.
THE WATCHER

She always leaned to watch for us

Anxious if we were late

In winter by the window,

In summer by the gate;

And though we mocked her tenderly,

Who had such foolish care,

The long way home would seem more safe

Because she waited there.

Her thoughts were all so full of us,

She never could forget!

And so I think that where she is

She must be watching yet,

Waiting 'til we come home to her,

Anxious if we are late -

Watching from Heaven's window,

Leaning from Heaven's gate.

- Margaret Widdemar

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