February 13, 2004

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Publication Date: Friday, February 13, 2004

May-December marriages - when the wife is 'December'

When the Pleasanton Paratransit bus pulls up to the Senior Center each Wednesday, Lee Meola and Violet Colton get off for a day of exercise, crafts and book group. The two friends have more in common than these interests and their age. They both have married men more than 24 years younger than they are.

Violet Colton, 85, is a widow, which is not unusual for her demographics. What is unusual is that her husband Dennis was 49 years old when he died in 1997. If he were alive, he would be 56.

"We were married 10-1/2 years," said Violet. "I'd be with him today if he was still alive."

She lived in Sunol for 47 years after moving to the area from Oklahoma with her first husband at the age of 18. She worked at Sunshine Biscuits in Oakland for many years, and they had four children. They bought acreage in Sunol in 1956, and lived in a log cabin.

"I married three other men after I was 49," recalled Violet. "I loved being married."

She was at the Little Brown Church in Sunol with her granddaughter, who used its piano for practicing, when she heard a knock at the back door.

"I went back through the kitchen door and there's this man," she said. "He said, 'I heard this music and thought I'd come in to sit." He was living nearby with three friends.

She ended up hiring Dennis to add a bedroom onto the log cabin for her grandson, who was about 10 at the time and living with her and her third husband. While working at her home, Dennis fell two-and-a-half stories off the rooftop and broke his back, said Violet. He had already broken it once, serving in the Army in Vietnam. "When he came out of the hospital, I took care of him. I borrowed a cot and put it in my front room," she said.

"He said, 'You're the best nurse I ever did meet,'" she remembered with a smile.

Her third marriage ended soon after and her romance with Dennis blossomed, despite the difference in ages. He was a hippie, she said, but he cut his hair and beard for her.

"We were going to Las Vegas and on the way he said, 'Are you going to marry me?' I said, 'I don't believe you've asked me yet,' and he said, 'Well, I'm asking you now,'" she recalled. "He was very romantic. He framed our marriage license and put it over our bed."

"We bought a Harley and went all over on it. Some people might say, 'Is that your mother?' and he'd say, 'That's not my mother. That's my wife,'" she said. "My kids didn't like it a bit. But all my life I went on doing what I wanted."

They also bought an 18-foot camper and drove around the United States. "I've been to 48 states - all except Louisiana and Hawaii," she said.

Dennis had an accident on the Harley in Sunol in 1997, and died a month later. Violet sold the log cabin last August and paid cash for a house in Pleasanton off Mohr Avenue where she has been overwhelmed by the neighbors' friendliness.

Violet met Lee Meola, 79, at the Little Brown Church, when Lee was already married to Angelo Meola, 55, her husband now of 20 years.

At the time Lee met Angelo, she was divorced, living in Santa Ana and getting her masters in art history, she said. She had served in the U.S. Marines as a young woman and had married a Marine, moving all over with him. They had seven children, two adopted.

Lee met Angelo at a speech on King Tut. "It was in a home," she recalled. "I looked up and saw a young man standing in the doorway. He looked like a Christmas tree - he had on checked pants, a pink shirt and pink jacket and a paisley tie." She found out later that he was colorblind.

After the talk, a group went out for a snack and Angelo asked Lee if he could call her. "He'd never been married; he was very tied to his work," said Lee. "He's a safety engineer for an insurance company that does workers compensation." He owned his home and investment properties, which raised her matchmaking antennae, and she invited him to Thanksgiving dinner, to introduce him to her daughter.

"It took maybe about six months before he said, 'Forget your daughters. I don't want the younger ones. I want you,'" she remembered. "I told him, 'Why don't you look for somebody younger?'"

But Angelo explained last week, "When I met her, I'd found someone intelligent, caring, independent - she had a multitude of wonderful qualities."

When his company transferred him to the Bay Area, he "backed her into a corner," saying they would have to get married so the company would move her, too.

They say their wedding was "upside down." Her son gave her away, and when the minister got stuck in traffic, they had the reception first. All of her children attended and were happy she was remarrying. "Their joint voice was, 'Mom, if it makes you happy,'" she said.

After moving to Pleasanton, they became foster parents for Alameda County. Ten years ago, they adopted three of the children, who are now 16, 15 and 12. "The 14-month-old ran right into Angelo's arms. She was ready to be someone's little girl," Lee recalled. "The social worker interviewing us turned to Angelo and said, 'Why do you love your wife?' It astonished me that he could put it into his words. It deepened my love."

Shortly after adopting the children, Lee broke her ankle, and Violet, whom she knew from church, came to help out. They became good friends and Violet confided that she was thinking about marrying Dennis, although her children objected.

"I said, 'Do what you want to do,'" recalled Lee. "'Find happiness now.'"

Lee and Angelo will be going out to dinner on Valentine's Day. She said having children at home confines their celebrations, but Angelo noted that health matters are also limiting. Lee is having problems with her legs that are keeping her in a wheelchair these days. She had surgery on her eyes several years ago and suffered a stroke.

"I give Christmas presents but for birthdays I like to give memories," said Angelo. "One year I bought her a hot air balloon ride. I put the certificate in a box."

"One year he took me up to Calistoga for a mud bath, massage, the whole spa treatment," remembered Lee.

They celebrated their 20th anniversary in November.

"At first I felt there was such an age difference that it wasn't fair to him," said Lee. "But it worked out beautifully."

"We kind of fell in love gradually. It evolved," said Angelo. "There are things you like to do together, then you decide you are in love. It was a good choice to stay together."

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