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Publication Date: Friday, June 29, 2001

Support groups, activities help women in midlife

Rhonda was 45 when her world fell apart.

Her husband of 23 years wanted out. "He decided he didn't want to be here anymore," Rhonda says now, three years later. "I guess he was going through his own midlife crisis."

At the same time, their son and daughter, 20 and 21, both moved away, one to Portland and the other to Chico.

Rhonda considered her options and decided that as much as she loved her big home on the hills overlooking Pleasanton, she could not maintain it on her own. So she moved into an apartment, which also deprived her of the comfort and companionship of her two affectionate dogs, who stayed in the house with her ex.

"I missed the dogs more than anything - their unconditional love and physical closeness," she said.

She struggled through the next nine months until she was buying a condo and her Realtor gave her a great tip: There's a woman named Donna Christner-Lile who helps women get their lives back together through support groups.

"It's support when you need to know you are not alone in a situation," said Rhonda. "It's reassuring to know you're not the lone ranger out there, that what you're going through is a normal process. You go through a lot of self-doubt."

Francine, 53, was going through several transitions when she joined the support group. Her husband had died two years before, after a five-month illness, and she had found a job in Livermore and moved to Pleasanton from Sacramento because she loved the Bay Area.

"I had always been action-oriented but I came to the point where I was paralyzed by indecision. I found I really did not have any goals anymore," she said.

Christner-Lile has been leading the free support groups for women in crises for about two-and-a-half years. She saw the need in her job as a counselor specializing in midlife crises such as empty-nesting, career burnout, pre-retirement jitters, and problems with relationships.

"When people are going through situations, the typical thing is they become depressed and tend to isolate themselves," she explained. "Two things that are healthy for that age are exercise and a good social life."

Christner-Lile, 52, who defines midlife as 35-65, said she had gone through these crises herself, but "without a buddy to share it with."

"I was going through midlife and hit a crisis at 38," she said. She went through an early menopause, her 17-year marriage ended, to a corporate mogul whose career had entailed them moving every 15 months, and she was left alone to raise her 10-year-old son. Although she had majored in counseling in college, she needed a more lucrative career to support them, so she worked as a mortgage broker. Then 13 years ago she remarried and they moved to California.

"Then I wanted to do something to help out others because my life had turned around after I was so miserable," she said. So she went to University of San Francisco and earned a masters degree in transitions.

"So many women are going to work a little later, after raising children, the husband retires, the problems begin. Maybe they did pre-planning for retirement financially but not emotionally. I'm seeing many long-time marriages dissolve. But either way, there is typically a transition period for awhile."

She assembles a support group of 10 women and they meet every other week for five sessions. Some women may repeat in the next support group. "After 10 sessions they should be ready to do something definite, if not they may need to do one-on-one counseling." She also has midlife coping seminars, on an affordable basis.

Christner-Lile says she and her colleague, Jackie Finley, another midlife counselor, who also is a research analyst for healthy aging, are on the cutting edge in their field.

Many, such as Rhonda, form friendships in the support groups. But to give the women a chance to socialize after the support groups end, Christner-Lile has started Mentor-Central.com, a social connection that gives members access to events to attend with other members, such as hikes, plays, movies, artist receptions, or even going for coffee.

"The stigma in America is to say if you're alone, you're a loser," said Christner-Lile. But the Mentor-Central.com events each have a facilitator who will be waiting there to meet the women who come alone, making the event more enjoyable.

May's activities included a three-hour beginner's hike in the Ridgelands, a tour of the Blackhawk Museum, a Neil Simon play in Walnut Creek, coffee and conversation at a downtown Pleasanton coffee house, a couple of dinners, a lunch, a winery tour and an open mike night for short stories and poems.

"Mentor-Central.com is for any woman who wants to get a social life," said Christner-Lile. "Just sign up and get a monthly password." The fee for the social events calendar is $19.95/month, with a minimum signup of three months.

Francine is the facilitator on some of the outings. Even though she is remarried, she still enjoys going out with a group of women on Saturday night. "It's nice for me to meet other women, otherwise you get stale. My husband understands why, he thinks it's great."

For information on support groups, call 800-654-6161.